Friday, June 15, 2012

AGAIN




















It happened. Again.

I triggered. Again.

I bawled. Again.

I asked ten thousand questions. Again.

He listened quietly. Again.

He answered ten thousand questions. Again.

He hugged me, his hand rubbing my back. Again.


*********************************************************************************************************


Never once in our entire courtship has Seth EVER belittled me or my feelings. Never once has he been defensive or ignorant when it comes to my past experiences, heartbreak or insecurities. Never once has he stormed out of my place upset and feeling attacked because I interrogated and water-boarded him for incriminating information. Never once has he told me to 'fix my problems' or 'just get over it already'. Never once has he minimized my feelings or made me feel stupid. Never once. 


Instead he said the words "Jacy, you're doing so well... it's going to be okay... I completely understand why you feel this way. This is why we communicate. This is why we ALWAYS communicate. It will make for the best kind of relationship... for you and for me".


Difficult conversations about really tough/uncomfortable things (sexual addiction, infidelity, masturbation, betrayal, deceit, expectations, etc.) have been present during our 10 month courtship. They've had to be, considering. But through them all Seth is continually proving to me the kind of gentleman he truly is. He is grounded. He is wise. He is realistic. He is unbelievably patient. He is compassionate. He is willing. And every fiber in my very being is screaming that he is and will always be a loyal companion.


And when my mind starts to doubt a little, even in the most trivial and insignificant of ways, and those dreadful/shocking memories of the past invade my brain cells, it doesn't take long for my heart to feel the truth. I sense his goodness. I take refuge in his presence. Every negative thought goes away.


I trust. 


Tonight's trigger was unforeseen but tonight's trigger was also short-lived. 


A dear friend of mine once told me that "triggers are lies we tell ourselves". At first I didn't understand this thought but after tonight, I think she's precisely right.


*********************************************************************************************************


My eyes have dried. Again.


I feel calm and comfortable. Again.

I have just taken a small step forward. Again.

He has proven his consistency and predictability. Again.

I have fallen deeper in love. Again.
















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11 comments:

  1. This is beautiful, lovely, heartbreaking, and amazing. You are a shining example to many of us who wonder about what the "other side" is like... You know, being in a real relationship post divorce. I haven't journeyed that far yet but I often wonder what the difficulties behind it will be. I think it might take me awhile to get there since I still see all men in the same skeptical light.

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  2. I'm so glad you have found someone to work through those "triggers". It is inspiring to read and gives me hope that someday, I too, can maybe have someone who will stay, and not run. Or continually cause the triggers. For now, I get to read other's stories and be ultimately happy and excited for them as they get to see and experience the "other side" of what a caring, truthful and honest relationship feels like.

    Have fun with Seth and I'm so glad for you!!!

    xoxo

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  3. I'm so happy for how healthy and strong this man in your life is!

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  4. I'm sorry you had a difficult moment but so glad it turned out this way, making your relationship stronger.
    I've been dating someone for about 6 months now and we haven't had the "hard" conversations. I'm nervous. He is a pretty private person. I am hoping to get to a place of trust and ease and comfort with him, like where you and Seth are.

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  5. I'm so sorry about the triggers. But I'm so glad you have Seth to walk you through them. That makes me happy. Seth--You rock!

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  6. love love love this post. :) you're pretty great jacy, and seth seems to be as well.

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  7. LOVE this! I love how you started and ended the post. I love that it's so REAL -- that sometimes life does haunt us, but we can heal again. Love you!

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  8. You are truly fortunate my friend to have found such a great man. I'm so happy for you. And I'm sorry that you had another crappy trigger. I think having a confident man and/or a good friend nearby helps pull you through it a lot faster. Remember, you can always come to me too, ok? Love you girl!

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  9. He sounds like a great guy! Does he have any friends for me?

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    Replies
    1. I will keep my eyes peeled Christy! All his friends live in other states or are married... :( Sorry girlfriend!

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  10. Oh how I relate! My sweet hubby is this man. Just last week I triggered for the first time in probably a year, and it was a BAD trigger. Huge.

    When he sensed something was not right, I explained it all as well as I could; why that triggered me, how it isn't his fault, how I'm not mad at him but rather I'm having a PTSD episode. He calmly and patiently listened, comforted me, asked how he can help and how he can avoid triggering that again, etc...

    My first marriage left me believing no one was genuine and really loved their partners. My second has shown me that isn't true. Good men are great blessings.

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