Thursday, June 28, 2012

How to Reclaim Your Self-Love

Life's changes can feel catastrophic. I know this first hand.

When his secrets unfolded and my marital situation turned upside down, so did everything else in my life. For a while there, I pretty much dissolved into a puddle, forgetting everything that once made me, Jacy.

No single word can describe the devastating blow of losing your self-love.

It's easy to look back and act like I've come so far, so quickly and that I've recovered well (and maybe I have?) but the truth is, it hasn't been a stroll in the park. Rather, it has been a painstakingly SLOW and tiring process... but I'm finally beginning to remember all the reasons why I love me. The love for myself is resurfacing... bubbling up from below...  and I am sitting here with the BIGGEST smile on my face as I type :)

So! Today I want to share with you a list of  things that have helped me in reclaiming my self-love (and it's important to mention that I am currently working on most of these).

You ready?

How to Reclaim Your Self-Love:

#1) Make a CONSCIOUS DECISION. Before you start on this monumental quest, you must first CHOOSE to do it. You've got to wake up in the morning, stare at your reflection in the mirror and say "It's time I start loving you dammit!" Believing in yourself is the first and most important ingredient if you want to progress... and even if it's the tiniest little bit of belief... you must believe.

#2) STOP comparing yourself to others. I know it's hard (I do it ALL the darn time, still) but you've got to learn to stop- someway, somehow. Comparison is dangerous... it's poisonous.... and it kills. When you compare, you criticize yourself and then negative energy oozes from your pours. It is impossible to love yourself if you're constantly focusing on everything you can't do/ or don't have. Figure out how to control yourself from comparing. For me, I've learned that I feel so much better if I avoid certain blogs, magazines, and T.V. shows. It sounds quite silly but it's helping me in enormous ways!

#3) Focus on all the wonderful things that make you, YOU. Remind yourself of your positive qualities and all the things you have to offer. If you must, make a list and post it on your bathroom mirror! Everyone has AMAZING qualities... and you do too... so put your pride and/or embarrassment aside and write down some of the things you love most about you. Once you've done that read them everyday until you can honestly recognize their truth. Learn to love and appreciate your physical reflection, as well. Study your femininity. Study the brightness of your eyes and their meaning. Study your uniqueness and those features that make you stand out. Declare with confidence what makes you, YOU. And don't forget to graciously accept compliments given to you!

#4) Indulge yourself in doing things that you love to do. Make time for interests/hobbies that make you feel happy. When we excel at our talents (no matter what the talent(s) may be) and see progress with our own eyes, our confidence blossoms.

#5) Accept your flaws. We ALL have them! But instead of dwelling on them, accept the ones you cannot control and look for ways to improve the ones you can.

#6) Think of yourself less and others more. When we become so incredibly consumed with our own issues, it's almost like we completely forget that others are struggling too. We bury our heads in the sand and we sulk. No good ever comes from this (and trust me, I know because I've had my head in that deep grainy sand before). But if you come up for air and take notice to those around you, you'll quickly realize that you ARE NOT the only one dealing with insecurity, sadness, or difficulties.  This will help you to see things in a different light than before.

#7) Serve. When you serve, you feel better about yourself. Period. I don't care what it is that you do... if you are being kind and thoughtful in some way or another (to someone else), you will feel better. A phenomenal love will engross you, your heart will feel warm and you'll love yourself even more. The power of giving is fascinating.

#8) Acknowledge your feelings. It's okay to have setbacks. It's okay to cry. It's okay to grieve. It's ALSO okay to find humor in things. It's okay to get excited about things. It's okay to enjoy the good around you. Embrace your feelings.

#9) Take good physical care of yourself. Get out, go for a walk, get some sun, breathe the fresh air, enjoy the beauty that exists all around you. Respect your body by eating healthier foods and drinking ample amounts of water. Exercise more (I'm totally slacking at this). Your body is your vessel- take pride in it. Ensure that you are getting proper sleep and find the time to relax every now and then, too.

#10) Celebrate your existence. Life is short. Life is a miraculous gift we are given. Tightly grasp the tender moments you have. Ponder your presence here. Dig in spiritually (whatever that means to you). Love those around a little bit more by giving tighter hugs, lots of kisses and more of your attention. Express gratitude for all of your blessings: your beating heart, your health, your abilities, your talents, your family, your friends, your home, your job, your goodness, your entire being, etc. Live your life. Love your life.

#11) Smile. Smiling is the beginning to laughter. Laughter is contagious and when it is shared, it can help lighten burdens by increasing happiness, enhancing relationships, and even improving your physical and emotional health (I'll be posting on this another time :). Make it a point to surround yourself with happy, positive people.

Well, there you have it... a list of things that have helped me as I'm learning to love myself again. Pretty universal truths I'd say, but a good reminder is never a bad thing, wouldn't you agree?

** Can you confidently say that you truly love yourself, in this very moment? If so, TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT! If you are like me and are currently working on it, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO GET THERE? Anything you'd like to add to my list? I love new ideas!

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”
- Oscar Wilde

p.s. This post was written specifically for my friend Stacia in Pennsylvania and will be published on her blog tomorrow as part of her newest feature! So check out SIMPLY STACIA! She. is. awesome.
Image Credit


  1. You have NO idea how much I love this post! When I first read it, I could see so much of myself within your words, and it was a HUGE wake up call for me. I will be putting these into practice and heeding your words!

    Do I truly love myself? More each day, as I'm this "work in progress" :)


  2. Great post, Jacy! I found that my self-esteem and love for myself sky-rocketed when I started running. I felt strong; I had time to myself to think; and I grew physically and mentally strong.

    And then, yes, getting my thoughts onto others and not me is so hard but so key. I'm working on being the mom and wife my family needs instead of expecting them to fulfill me.

    Thanks for my morning inspiration!

  3. Recognizing my worth was THE ONE thing that helped me through my divorce. and i continue to do so everyday by doing exactly what you listed! #8 is especially important because i'm not perfect and i make mistakes alot! (including forgetting my worth)also, i deleted my facebook just because of #2 and it HELPS SO MUCH!!! thanks for this great post jacy!

    1. Good for you Hailey! BTW- you looked adorable in your style feature. If I may say so, the best part of that get-up was your endearing smile.

  4. Wow... Thats so great to hear these ideas on how you got there... I've been trying so hard to work on things and just feel like sometimes I don't even know where to start. Thanks so much for those great ways that I can start working on! I hate that this is where I'm at, but yet happy and excited to get to know myself again and who I really am, cause I know I've changed a lot. Love your blogs Jacy!

  5. I love this post!! Sometimes we all definitely need these little reminders-anybody can use them! Whether single and looking, divorced, or just going through a rough time...this is awesome :)

  6. Thanks for these great thoughts!

  7. I do not even like myself let alone love myself. In fact I hate myself, I don't like to even go in public because I think I am so fat and so ugly and so worthless.

    1. I hope you recieve all the peace, comfort and happiness you seek.

  8. I definitely love myself. I don't like or feel happy about every part of me all the time, but I know I am a beloved daughter of God and that He loves me. Being taught this my entire life and eventually coming to believe it has made a huge impact on how I see myself. My children also definitely give me a sense of worth & purpose. I LOVE all of your suggestions. I especially love the ones about service and thinking of others. I know this is such a great way to get our of our own little worlds and problems and heads. It seems like there is always someone who's problems are worse than ours (more acurately...more suited to them, but to us seem harder) and it helps put ours in perspective. That's why I love reading some of the blogs (NieNie, Pack of Fixations) helps me appreciate what I have!

  9. Jacy you proved that you loved yourself the day you decided to give up on the toxic relationship.

    I have just walked from a 9 year relationship with a SA. After discovery day it took me 18 months to finally break free.

    I admire the strength and fortitude of the women who continue being with their partners/husbands and tough it out but i know its not for me.

    I just could not bring myself to share my body with a man who had shared his with so many others.

    There was a lot of companionship , shared laughter etc but with so much deception otherwise whats to say that those things were for real?

    Inspite of everything it was extremely difficult for me to leave but i just didnt like myself when i couldnt leave.

    A good man or otherwise, an addict or not i just knew i had to learn to love myself more than i loved him.

    I knew i had to raise the bar much higher in terms of what i desire and deserve from the man in my life.

    You are one of the few i found who had stepped out of a toxic relationship
    and i so admire you for it.

    Jacy , in my books, that is self love .

    1. Anon,

      I appreciate this SO much. Seriously. Sometimes I think that for me, leaving the man I loved WAS in fact loving and respecting myself... even though at the time I felt all things contrary (guilt, shame, embarrassment, hurt, etc).

      I'm sorry for your past experiences, BUT I'm glad to see that you have since found yourself moving forward, loving yourself and doing so with dignity and grace.


      "I just could not bring myself to share my body with a man who had shared his with so many others."

      yes, yes, YES! You put into one sentence something that I've been struggling to piece together for years! This is EXACTLY how I feel and is exactly why I left... that and the lies... it was just TOO much for me to 'get over'.

      Welcome here Anonymous.... whoever you are, wherever you are... WELCOME! Maybe come up with a code name so that when you comment more, I'll know who you are consistently...?? Just a thought! I'd love to get to know you better... :) There is a bond in women who have been betrayed... and there is even a little different bond in those of us who chose divorce... refreshing to know that we are not alone...

      Thank you, thank you...



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