Monday, June 11, 2012

Q & A: Divorce

I received this question from a new reader last night:


Q: {Regarding divorce}... I am really curious about how you got personal revelation. They say that it can be hard to receive that if you have negative feelings. But it seems that's when you need it (revelation) the most. Were there times that you thought that one path might be as good as the other? Didn't the past cause you to doubt your understanding of the spirit? How did you learn to trust yourself and what you believed to be the spirit?


(Funny how this question came just a few hours after hearing a wonderful lesson on Personal Revelation in church. I swear to you, if you are listening closely and taking the time to notice, we are all interconnected in this somehow)


**These are some thought provoking questions and I'll do my very best to answer them. This is entirely my perspective.


You are right... when your mind is battling such cognitive dissonance, you're not sure what you believe anymore. Everything feels like a lie. You love him, you want to claw his eyeballs out. You have hope for him and your marriage, you want him to disappear and never come back. You feel compassion for him, you want him to be accountable for what he's done.


The contradicting feelings that crowd your already fragile mind are ruthless. One minute you feel love, the next you feel hate. Nothing makes any sense.


As much as I wanted to cling onto my beliefs, I think it was easiest to give up on God during those most painful months. It was the only way I could accept what had happened. The more I thought about it, the less faith I had. Why Heavenly Father would allow something like this to happen to me- a daughter who did everything "right"- crippled me. How could this be? I couldn't pray. I started writing prayers instead. But I still didn't feel "in-tune" with the spirit.


I'd never felt so alone as I did in those first few months. God was gone. My husband pretty much died. My home was broken. My family and friends were kept on the outside (purposely). All men were cheating, addicted liars. I felt abandoned from everything I ever thought I knew.


What once was flourishing and thriving piece of nature, OUR TREE was no longer that.
















It started to lose its fullness. Leaves were breaking quickly, making a giant pile around the base of the trunk. I was frantically trying to rake the leaves up, hoping that somehow, miraculously, they would re-attach themselves to the brittle, dried-out branches and begin to grow again. I tried and tried and tried relentlessly... as best I knew how... but nothing changed the fact that OUR happy-perfect TREE was dying.


I continued to hope for a miracle (secretly though, I'm not really sure I believed in miracles at that point). 


My therapist kept telling me that I would know when it was the right time to divorce and/or work on the marriage. I didn't like this answer. I wanted someone, anyone else but me, to make the decision and tell me what to do. Crazy thing was, he was right. I didn't really have to make a decision so to speak. Because I had become a pioneer woman, the path was clear. 


One day I knew. In August of 2010 I couldn't believe my heavy eyes as I watched the very last leaf fall from OUR TREE. As it slowly drifted through the spindly limbs of what I once called love, home, family, and eternity, the strangest feeling of reassurance and peace channeled my soul. It felt as if the weight of the entire world was lifted from my collapsing, weak shoulders and I was free. It was as if this was the miracle I'd been waiting for/hoping for all along. 

















After that day- the day we shared our final moments as husband and wife working together, the day our lips touched for the very last time, the day we embraced one another with tears streaming down our cheeks, the day we laid on our bed and exchanged words of sadness, regret, love and hope- I have never looked back.

Odd because I loved him so intensely. Miraculous because I was able to let go and move forward.

I'm not sure how all of this fits into the questions exactly... perhaps it's because I don't really know the answers to them. All I know is that while it may not have been noticeable then, I know that God was close to me- so much so that I think he carried me. I'm still rebuilding my faith and trust in Him and His Gospel and I am slowly realizing that I do believe and that I always have believed. Really terrible and unexplainable things happen to good people everyday.... this is life.


For me, the decision to divorce came as result of many aspects- not just one alone. I gave myself ample time, I used the fine intellect I had been given, I listened to the gentle whisperings of the spirit, I trusted my gut and discerned when I felt safe vs. unsafe, I felt what my heart was telling me, I seriously weighed all the options (pro's and con's), I sought therapy from professionals and church leaders, I relied on those who had my best interest at heart and then- even though the presented outcome was one that I never wanted or expected- I followed through and moved forward with positivity and hope. 


While I'm not exactly sure how I got here... I now know that I was never alone. Had I been entirely alone, there is no way I would have been able to plant into the ground a new and foreign specie of tree. Had there not been some divine intervention, guiding me and carrying me along, there is no way I would have been able to survive the transplant shock


This is MY NEW TREE- Mine and Little Dudes- and I am in awe of its glorious evolution.



**THOUGHTS? Maybe you can offer a better/different perspective for my reader who emailed in the questions. They were really tough for me!

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9 comments:

  1. I think you covered the topic pretty well Jacy! I always love reading what you have to say about these things because I felt/did a lot of what you referred to. I used to kick myself for waiting so long to get a divorce; I had the ammunition to get out of a bad marriage 6 weeks in!! But I stuck it out because I believed in marriage and overcoming the natural man. It took me a total of 2 1/2 years to finally have the guts to leave and it was so hard. Simply put, I felt like I was giving up and I'm not a quitter. Looking back, I know that I did everything I could to salvage our marriage. I have no regrets and the sense of peace that washed over me after I made my decision made it all the more bearable. My advice is trust yourself (as hard as that is) and you'll feel what you need to do. Whether or not you follow that instinct will be your own choice, but know that you always have a choice.

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  2. Jacy, you're so incredible. I still can't believe all this pain you have gone through and what a powerhouse you are now. This post was so amazing, and you explained so well the process that one goes through. Thank you!

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    1. Dito on the powerhouse! And the evolution of your tree is really phenomenal. Who knew you'd be here? You're fabulous little lady.

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  3. Hi Jacy. Today's a hard day. Again. I am very grateful I read this post today. My moment of realization is still far. But this gives me hope that eventually something will happen. My miracle will come. Today is the day I feel im not good enough ant anything. The day I feel like a crappy mom, a crappy worker, a crappy wife. But I just talked with my mother on the phone and she gave me hope. Next thing I read this post. I am deeply grateful. Thanks for writing this.

    Will keep holding on.

    Love.

    Me.

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    1. I love you girl... and I am thinking of you! Those days are so hard but I'm hoping you had a better day today!? You are on the contrary to what you wrote... you're amazingly strong... and those who are lucky enough to be around you and know you would agree! Keep on going friend... Love you!

      LOTS!

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    2. Bawl... but not sad, happy I read this today. :) Thanks as usual, now I know some cool things my therapist told me the other day.

      As a friend of mine told me when the bomb ticked off: "The universe conspires for your happiness". I think it does.

      And eventually bad days will be less and less and then they will let me rest for a nice while.

      Love.

      Me.

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  4. I'm very glad you wrote this. I'd sometimes wondered if I was wierd having a sense of peace about my divorce, especially with it being something so full of emotion and investment. My experience (though it wasn't about addiction) was much the same as yours. I don't know if everyone gets to a time when they feel it is time for the divorce and gets the confirmation of peace about it, but I know that when the time came, for me, I knew that it was just time, andwhile it was sad, there was also peace knowing it was the right decision at the right time.

    Sure, there were plenty fo other decisions I could have made that were better for other things, but when I think about the timing of my asking for a divorce, I still can rely on that peace to know it was right.

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  5. Jacy your blog is such a blessing to me!! I have been reading your past posts since I just barely found you last month and I love how many are like finding gold and speak to my soul! My husband packed up and left a week ago. I have been fighting and kicking doing everything I can to save our marriage. The day he left I was a mess. I went to my brother for a blessing and when I got home to my lonely house.... I felt peace. I was ok. I didn't feel the torment and pain of trying to make someone love me who actually didn't. Don't get me wrong- I am sad. Loosing a marriage is not happy. But I have been in awe all week that I have peace and that I'm ok and I am no longer going in circles in my head on how things could have been different. Your posts hit my feelings this week right on the mark! "Odd because I loved him so intensely. Miraculous because I was able to let go and move forward." This is so true for me!!
    Thank you again! Now to shift into "pioneer woman mode!" :)

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