Friday, June 8, 2012

We All Need That Person

In the musty dimly lit basement, I lay under a snowflake flannel sheet as Sherice digs her elbows deep into the stiff knots lining my spine. Staticky 1970's love songs set the mood as they play from an old boom-box in the corner. 

Okay so it's not the most calming, chic place I've ever received a massage from but in the small town I'm visiting, Sherice is LEGIT! She is the best masseuse I've ever had except that she's a talker. She talks and talks.... and talks and talks.... and talks incessantly during the 90 minute span of time. She knows everything about everything and isn't afraid to tell you all about it and then some. She is a crack up!

Here's what I gathered yesterday:

Just three months out of her second divorce (of 26 years), she is already dating another man quite seriously (the ex-spouse of her cheating ex-husbands mistress.... yes, read that again and yes, you read it right!). Without getting into the nitty gritty, I'll just say that she has experienced an awful lot, like so many of my readers. She tells me of her fears and expectations. She over zealously said,

"My boyfriend has been that person for me. You know, the one that tells you "you are beautiful" and rebuilds your self-worth. We all need that person. We are women... we need that person."

I was silent. I listened to her drag on and on about why it's crucial for women to have a man who makes them 'feel better' and then I couldn't hold back any longer. I had to speak. Very politely, I disagreed.

"While I understand what you are saying (as I have felt this way before too), I think that that person needs to be and can only be YOU and no one else."

The conversation fizzled out there (she didn't love my addition) and we moved onto another topic. No biggie.

It's hard to believe that six short months ago, I thought a lot like Sherice did. I thought that I needed a man to complete me, to define my worth, beauty and purpose. I thought that once I replaced my 'ex' with someone new and got my 'old life' back, everything I lost from betrayal and divorce would come back knocking on my door.


What I have discovered is that I need to be confident and comfortable with who I am as a person {entirely} before any man will make any lick of difference (as far as my self-worth is concerned).

When I am at a halt, not making any progress individually and am wallowing in my critical insecurities, then those words and phrases that are supposed to "rebuild my self-worth" will be just that- words and phrases. Their meanings won't resonate within my soul because I don't believe in myself enough to recognize their truth, therefor I won't be able to actually hear them. 

But if I am in positive route, heading toward the destination of my greatest potential, genuine compliments and words of affirmation will be like that shiny red cherry that tops the delicious hot fudge brownie sundae. I will simply be reminded of what I already know. I won't be arrogant or cocky... I will be SECURE. Big difference.

As I walked out of the 'mom n pop' beauty parlor yesterday, I realized that Sherice offered so much more than just a full-body rejuvenation intermixed with small-town drama. She reminded me of yet another lesson that this whole crazy experience is continually teaching me: I am responsible for reclaiming, acknowledging and maintaining my own personal self-worth. It is no one else's job but mine and I need to be that person described, only I need to be it for MYSELF.

** Do you tend to agree with Sherice on this? Or do you think more like me in that it's a personal endeavor? THOUGHTS?


  1. I don't think any MAN (or any "thing" for that matter) filled the void in a broken heart. I completely agree with you! It's important to work on ourselves first, the rest will follow. I could have been in a great relationship (straight out of my divorce) but it just didn't work out because I was on pins and needles all the time! He was a great guy but I just wasn't where I needed to be in order to be in a relationship. It wasn't until I started working on myself that I realized how wrong I was to want to fill that void quickly. I've seen a lot of girls that find a great guy straight out of a divorce and I used to envy that soo much!! But now, I'm glad I didn't because I simply wasn't ready... Long response to say: I agree that it's a personal endeavor.

    1. *I don't think any man can fill the void in a broken heart.* I forgot to proofread, sorry.

  2. It definitely is a personal thing. I was that girl years ago that NEEDED a man to make myself feel whole/complete. It wasn't until I took a very active role in finding myself through therapy that my relationships became richer for me, and I treat them now as an addition to my life, not a completion.

    Kudos on the massage! Believe it or not, I have NEVER had one :( I need to put that on my list of things to do....

    1. I'm 30 and I had my first massage a few months ago. It was just as wonderful as everyone said it be, and more so! But I must warn you- once you've had one you'll never stop wanting one. :)

  3. I agree with you 100%! No surprise. You are brilliant. I see so many women struggle with this, especially those who have been married to porn/sex addicts. Heck- I struggle with it. But you are so right. Those things are so great to hear once you get to your confident place. Everyone needs a little validation once in awhile. But if you are COUNTING on those things (that guy) to make you actually believe it/internalize it, it ain't gonna happen.

    You just keep blowing my mind.

  4. Jacy you are a hell of a woman - right on, I loved this...kind of gave me goosebumps and made me step back and think about my own life.

    Keep up these posts - they really do a LOT for me! :-)

  5. You and I and all these women here know we don't need "that person".

    I am my best lover! lol, really though. Who could love me better, who better knows my needs and how to take care of them? One of life's greatest gifts is the gift of self worth. Maybe in another lifetime, before we came to earth, we were given the most beautiful package. and in that package was our self-worth. Our self-love. So we bring that love with us when we're born and some of life's events strip it away. And we stumble and struggle to reclaim it.

    Reclaiming my self love has been another one of those "important discoveries" in my healing.

    This idea is dear to my heart! I want every woman to feel it!

  6. I guess we all need that person but just to share the things that need to be shared. I mean... we must complete our self-worth... but eventually we need to share it dont we?

    This made me think of a fantasy I had as a teenager... to live isolated from the world... i guess it is neccesary to be isolated for a while... but once you find who you are and love yourself fo it... wouldnt it be just a waste of time not to share it with the world? I dont think it must be a man... just someone out there.

    Made me think, thank you as usual!!!

  7. I completely agree with you. Some people never have that someone, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't feel good about themselves. Those people are important to our lives and enrich it, but ultimately how we feel about ourselves is up to us.


      I like how you said these people are important and do enrich our lives, so true!

      Love you!

  8. Easier to see your self-worth if you're a young cute, fit person of means who can afford trips, massages, a home. What do you tell an very overweight, plain, in debt to my ears, haven't had a date in years,40 something person who just wants someone, anyone to notice. And for gods sake dont start with lose some weight!

    1. I would say it all starts with seeing ourselves as God sees us -- infinitely loved, worthwhile and cherished, no matter what the world says or sees. It starts there -- if even just a spark, it can then expand and fill the wounded heart.

    2. Anon,

      I'm not sure which Anonymous you are but if you haven't already read my Reflection and Self Worth posts, do. If you have, then you'll know that I have been though what feels like hell in tying to find where I fit in 'in the worlds eyes'. Because the betrayal I endured hurt just as much as the betrayal you (or anyone else) has endured, my confidence took a devastating blow. It was GONE.

      It doesn't matter what we look like, how much we weigh, where we are financially, how 'bad' our stories are, etc... we still get hit by that same semi-truck and we all know how horrific it is to be laying there, bleeding in the road. So while it may seem that I have it 'easier' than you for all the reasons you listed, I don't. Those are just 'things', none of which have anything to do with my personal growth/ self-worth. I walked out of the massage yesterday (which was a thoughtful birthday gift from my mom because I've been feeling very overwhelmed) feeling the same insecurities I did when I walked in. It makes no difference in my worth.

      You ask what I would tell you... First, I wish I could meet you in person because I'm sure my eyes would see someone entirely different than what you describe... but since that isn't possible right now, I will repost what I wrote in my PLASTIC post:

      "As soon as I could, I lost the fake and I began digging in deep and working on me. I started to read self-help books and articles, I started talking less about me and listening to others more, I started spending less time in front of the mirror and more time with Little Dude, I joined a gym, I started to rebuild my faith, I started getting back into my hobbies and interests, I started this blog, I started making new friends, and I started to acknowledge and appreciate the beauty of my reflection, inside and out."

      These are some things that helped me. Our paths are all different... we are all different people... so this little list of mine won't be the winning recipe to finding your own worth. This recipe isn't even the winning ticket for me either because this is a long and grueling process that will change and evolve over time.

      I love what HX said and would suggest starting there. Connect with God and/or whatever your personal belief system is.

      I am also a HUGE advocate of therapy. I still go to therapy even after all this time. I still find myself needing that help and guidance from a professional.

      Also, I am starting the 12-step program next week so that I may continue my recovery, healing, and self discovery. I am not even close to being totally confident and recovered.. I struggle all the time... it's a process.

      I am sending you love and strength.

    3. Anonymous-

      I learned a really powerful lesson a little while ago. I think I knew it, but I really internalized it. Women who are beautiful are not exempt from lack of self-worth. Often times they are consumed with it. I don't think any of the things you mentioned are qualifiers for happiness, and I bet you believe that too.

      Keep reading, keep searching, and I know you can find worth without so much as dropping a pound. (Unless you decide that's what YOU want.)

      And like Jacy said, if you give her (and other people) a chance, SHE (they) will notice and love you. But she may not be the prince charming you were hoping for... :)

    4. I TOTALLY agree with HX. While we should NEVER need "that person" to make us feel whole or worth something, we should also NEVER rely on ourselves either. Jesus gave us not only forgiveness but His righteousness when He died for us. If we accept that, we should spend out lives learning to find our worth only in Jesus. He made us and it is because of Him that we have life let alone love and acceptance. Since God is the SOURCE of love, why would we go anywhere else (even ourselves) to receive love? I'm definitely still learning this and I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY not to compare myself to others but to think of myself as God sees my, with all the righteousness of Jesus credited to my account. It is so fulfilling to find your worth in Him.
      Alesha <3

  9. YES! I love this! I completely agree! I have found that when I start feeling anxious, confused, and doubtful about what I experienced (I don't feel it could even be called a "marriage"), then I realize that is when I feel most insecure about myself. So then I jump back in to all the activities I love to do, and then I love myself again, and I feel so EMPOWERED by what I experienced! This post is amazing, Jacy.

    Another thing I loved about this post. You said, "She reminded me of yet another lesson that this whole crazy experience is continually teaching me." I LOVE THAT! I love that you are on a journey of self-reflection and discovery and learning and growing, and you are sharing it on here, drawing people together! I LOVE that you are finding so many lessons out of this, and I truly believe you are one of the most mentally and emotionally healthy people I know. You just get it. I am very grateful for you, and I miss you! I felt like I was rather quiet when we were together, but I loved being around you!

    Thank you for this post.

  10. So I stumbled across your blog by reading Kylie's post...(she is totes my favorite blogger!) and I would have to say that I absolutely agree with you about 'that person.' I was thinking..."Good call Sherice!" and then you spoke up and got me thinking! I totally agree and I love your thought on the subject!

    1. Hi HOLLY! WELCOME! I am SO glad you found me! I absolutely love Kylie!

      I went to your blog and see you play guitar?? ME TOO!! I feel connected to you already.... :) I'm eager to get to know you better! Add yourself as a follower and stick around!


  11. Oh girl! I felt like I was reading my very own thoughts and experiences. As you know my story, I too thought (without fully realizing) that I needed that validation from a man. The truth is loving yourself first is the only path to true success in any relationship in life. I am so blessed to call you my friend and soooo look forward to meeting up next week. I have so much to fill you in on! So many amazing things! I hope that you are so happy and doing well. I cannot wait to be filled in on how things are going for you. Talk to you soon!




  12. I was particularly struck by your sentence about replacing your ex and getting your 'old life' back. Isn't that kind of a natural expectation? But as I sit here, ready to take that step into my second single life (ugh), I'm determined not to go back. I don't want my old life back. I want to figure out what went wrong the first time and NOT do it again. I want a new life.

    My whole life I've craved 'that person' to tell me that I'm worth something. No more. This time I will find out for myself this time because, like you, I've realized that if I am 'that person,' and I develop my own sense of self worth and strengthen and fortify it, hopefully I will get to the point that no one will be able to take it from me again. Because the fact of the matter is, if 'that person' is a boyfriend, a spouse, a sister, a parent, whatever, I've learned ... you can always lose that person. Pessimistic? Maybe. But realistic. If *I* am that person and don't have to count on anyone else to provide that sense of self worth *for* me, all the better. I'll just carry it around inside, thankyouverymuch.

    Thanks for sharing this, Jacy. You are an amazing woman.

  13. It's a misconception that we all need someone to "complete" us. We should be working to be whole people, no matter what our circumstances. Getting together with someone who wants to "fix" you, or worse, with someone you feel you can "fix" is just asking for hardship.

    We don't want someone to complete us, we want someone who can complement (not merely compliment) us, so we can go forward together as more than the sum of our parts.

    After my marriage ended (which was shortly before it legally ended), I felt broken, like the part I'd used to complete me was a bad choice, and that I'd failed in trying to make up for and fix the faults of the other person in the marriage. It took some time and work for me to get to a point where I was more of a complete person on my own, and only then was I ready for finding my compliment.

  14. So true. It reminds me of a chapter of a book I read in college called The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz about how we each have a star and it makes us happy and when we meet someone and give them that star, they will enevitably do something eventually to drop our star (or something like that...he says it great). We have to be responsible for our own stars and our own happiness.

  15. I'm so glad that you're becoming more healed and whole after your divorce. You so have your head on straight. So happy for you. :)


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