Friday, July 13, 2012

My Name is CHANTEL
























That was a horrible dream.  

I feel a nasty clench in my stomach from the nightmares and anxieties that whirled through me as I slept.  I scoot across the bed to soothe myself against the warmth of his body.  My eyes stay closed as I slide over, seeking his arm to pull me close.  I reach the other edge of the bed but never reach him.  My eyes fly open.

I am alone.

My body shoots upright in a scorching combination of terror and panic, as my mind tries to connect my subconscious to reality.  Those ghastly dreams, those fears, those gut-wrenching images and deadening emotions are . .  real?  I am entirely sickened, and I fall back into my blankets and let the tears come to life.

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I was married for six weeks.  He decided it wasn’t what he really wanted and left while I was at work one day.  At least he was kind enough to send me a text message – he “married me by accident.”  I’m sure that’s something every new wife desires to hear.

Should I have laughed or cried?

I wish I could say that I simply accepted the fact that others have freedom over their choices, I know I deserve a man who completely adores me, and my health and potential for a happy life was still intact, so I moved forward with my life with perfect grace and understanding.

Hardly.

I struggled to find any reconciliation over the situation.  I felt so unresolved, and logically and morally, I did not agree with the lack of commitment. 

But mostly, I felt so emotionally betrayed.  How could I have been so trusting of a man to marry him, only to realize his feelings for me weren’t absolute?  Was I presumptuous in assuming the decision to marry someone has a tacit implication of devotion?  Because that’s the level of love I was rendering and not having that returned to me absolutely broke my heart.  A dollar for all the tears and pillow punches could have allowed me to fund every child in Asia through college. 

Regardless, I pushed myself forward.  I healed by creating an entirely new world for myself -- one where I didn’t belong in the discard pile, but a world where I mattered and people loved me.

In this new world, I surrounded myself with the most genuine and compassionate people, and when I came to the understanding that a human, not God, had let me down, I decided to let Him into my secure world as well.  I began pouring out my mind to Him, every thought and emotion.  I explained my perceived world of injustice in more detail than I ever had before.  I felt overwhelmed with love, a feeling I can’t quite explain.  Deep inside, I knew I was valuable, and I knew that I was worth so much more!

I wish I could say that... one day on my journey, I walked underneath a rainbow and suddenly my heart was healed, and all my deep wounds turned to joy.  Nope.  Sometimes I can still feel it, but mostly, I just feel a sense of reverence towards myself.  I am proud of the girl I am, and if he didn’t want her.. well, shoot!  Let him walk…  I am also amazed at how far my life has come.  I’ve been blessed beyond what I could have even comprehended one year ago.  I am happy, SO happy!! 

I believe that life contains a depth of sorrow – one that cannot be fathomed until you’re thrown in to it.  Unfortunately, no matter the quality of one’s character or the peak of one’s health, one can never be entirely insured from mortal pain.  But now I know that I am a strong soul, and if I can make it through that, I can do anything!!  I believe that my trauma yielded me a great opportunity -- an opportunity to prove just how much fight and strength I have within.  If God didn’t trust me to climb back out as a greater woman, I never would have been given the opportunity to do such. 

This girl is opening her heart to love again, and it is so much more magnificent.

Now, I have a “story” attached to me.  It’s not a story of heartbreak or betrayal, but rather a story of triumph and self-respect.  It is a demonstration of the strength within one soul, and I have proved myself.  I now see the world through a completely different paradigm of compassion and self-confidence. 

My name is Chantel... and I believe in myself. 



**Remember that the purpose of this series is to open our hearts, to interact, to uplift, to support and to grow. Chantel will be reading your comments so you may comment directly to her. Words of encouragement and/or support are welcomed.

P.S. Chantel has a BLOG!

17 comments:

  1. Wow...the tears just came! I can soooo relate, as my second marriage lasted 8 weeks, and as I just found out I was pregnant (not planned) with my second son, he didn't want the marriage any longer.

    Betrayal in any form is shattering and life changing. I'm so glad that you grabbed on to all that was good, and that was YOU.

    You are magnificent and have such a great outlook for the rest of your life. I'm so excited for you that you get to open your heart again!

    xoxo

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    1. I should've added that my son is now 14, BUT....the ending of a marriage so suddenly just leaves a lot of emptiness.

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  2. I, too, had tears streaming down my face! Chantel - you are inspiring. Great post and I love your outlook on the rest of your life. I look forward to following your blog.

    Thank you Jacy for this guest post!

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  3. Loved this!! You area amazing and strong, Chantel, and are going to do AMAZING things in this world! Love you!

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  4. Chantel - your example of overcoming such a difficult trial is inspiring. You are one amazing lady!

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  5. Chantel, you are not only strong, but you are a strength to ME. i love you :) thank you for being my friend!

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  6. ahhh what a beautiful way to live life! inspiring. you have a lot of good to share, chantel!

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  7. chantel, you are amazing and beautiful- inside and out. what happened to you wasn't fair or right, but you still hold your head up and are proud of who you are and what you believe. what an inspiration you are!

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  8. What an amazing story and what an inspiring woman. You clearly have the strength to meet any challenge and rise above anything that comes your way. There are great, great things in store for you! :)

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  9. Not only are you an amazing person, Chantel, but you are an amazing writer. So grateful to have met you and to get to know more of your amazing spirit.

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  10. Thanks for sharing your story! I think it's neat that what might have been a devastating turn of events, caused you the find out how wonderful and strong you are. More importantly, that you can see your worth unconnected to anyone's opinions but your own. I strive to find worth in myself on the hard days, and I'm getting better, but reading your story helped me.

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  11. Wow, thank you everyone! This touched me to read everyone's comments. Thank you, Jacy!!

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    1. Hey Chantal all the way from South Africa...how wonderful God led me to this blog and breath taking story / life experience. I wish i could share my story with you... esp the parts where you so accurately described the pain, the emptiness and that feeling of surreal...or what should i call it...disbelief. i think there is a large section you left out...the part where nothing happens ...where you wait on God and it feels like episode after episode just keeps coming...that's what i would like to hear from you...those moments where your thoughts just wont let you go... and somehow you managed to get not only out of this but a better person too...and most importantly without leaning on another man...but God... hope this gets to you... wherever you may be in the world :-)~

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  12. Wow you are so great! I know now I can change what I have gone.through.

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  13. Chantel! You are so amazing in every way. Too come out of such a hot infernal fire and still be strong, beautiful and full of love is such a beautiful journey and story. I love all you are. I can't help but say....Don and Fawn! yikes

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  14. Six weeks! I can hardly believe it. What an amazing woman you are! Thank you so much for sharing your story and your hope and joy.

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