Thursday, September 20, 2012

So, You Can't Live Without Him?

The other day when telling one of my dear friends about my engagement, she asked with excitement in her voice but slight concern in her eye,

"So, you can't live without him?"

Of course this friend of mine adores Seth... but, being that she's been right next to me on this roller-coaster, knowing first hand what I have endured, she wants to ensure that I am ready for such a mammoth commitment- especially one as life-altering as marriage- and rightly so... I totally would do the same for her.

When she asked the question, my mind began to wonder what so say. You'd think there would be no question whatsoever. You'd think a soon-to-be-married and totally in-love woman would shout out from the roof tops,

"NO! I can't live without him!"

Even though I would have loved nothing more than to calm her nerves and answer her question with the most persuasive reply, I didn't. And not because I don't really love Seth or that I want to live my life without him; I didn't answer it that way because I CAN in fact live without him.

Let me explain.

Something very profound has permeated the oxygen and I am breathing more and more of its goodness in on a daily basis. It's a little word called independence. It's something that I've never really had before... but have grown to appreciate it's benefits in numerous ways over the last 2 1/2 years.

You see, when I found out everything... from my old life... it was literally as if my husband died that day. Really. Everything I knew, gone. Everything I thought, dissipated. In just ONE day, everything changed. My husband, as I knew him, never came back to me. I've never experienced the death of a close loved one before, but I imagine that this is what it feels like to become a widow. Except, I was the widow that no one knew about- only a select few knew of my despair. And while I would have loved meals brought in, or help with raking leaves and shoveling snow, or gorgeous flowers on my doorstep with deepest condolences, I suffered my loss, grieving and overwhelmed, for the most part alone.

After spending countless minutes, hours, days, and weeks without him, the very person I never thought I could live without, I suddenly realized that I WAS living without him. I WAS finding happiness without him. I WAS fulfilling magnitudes of personal joy as a single woman, without him. I WAS learning to depend on me, myself and I- for the very first time ever.

Slowly but surely, I became a new and improved person. I had to be because there was no other choice, really.

Because of all of this, my new relationship is almost a complete contrast to my previous one. And sure, I think a lot of it has to do with the man I'm engaged to... but I think an equal part has to do with ME, also. I'm not the same needy and dependent and insecure girl that I was just 3 years ago. I still have my weaknesses for sure... but, gone are the days of feeling that my happiness is dependent on someone else.

I love Seth and I can't wait to start a life with him... but I will forever hold a new level of confidence and pride in that if something tragic happens, or if certain choices are made, or if something out of my control takes place and I'm not able to be with him any longer, I am certain that I CAN live without him. I've done it once... I can do it again. And although I hate the idea of thinking that something bad may happen (because I really don't think that it will), what a striking conviction a strong faith in oneself can be- knowing that I will be okay... regardless of what life pitches me (and I know that Seth feels the same exact way considering what he has conquered and overcome, as well).

Whatever is in the air at my household, I really like breathing it in! This is a really good place for me to be. I'm in love with a man who adds so much joy to my life, but I'm also creating my OWN joy!


  1. What a positive way to look at life, Jacy! I love what you said about creating your own joy, mainly because it's so true - in life, we truly do have to create our own happiness and joy. It's wonderful to be able to share it with other people, but at the end of the day it's important to know that true happiness is not dependent on others. Love it!

  2. I love this!! I feel the same way! I was a little too dependent on my ex-husband for my own happiness. And now I know that I am okay by myself. And whatever happens I know if I turn to the Lord I will be okay, because I've done hard things before with His help and I can do it again.

  3. You rock, girlfriend! This outlook is soooo amazing to me! You have a way to always look at the positives and you have truly come out on top here! You have your new independence AND a man that you love so much! I'm so happy for you!

  4. Wow Jacy! This really says it all. Genius.

  5. I agree with you. I dont know your whole story. I just want to say not to long ago a close family member died. Of course it was a tragedy for his wife. But I was going through a time where i felt the same pains she was,

    1. Anon,

      Sorry to hear of your pain... you are not alone...

      Welcome here! So glad you have found me :)

  6. And that, in a nutshell, is what I want to teach my daughters some day.

  7. Yes! I can totally relate to the grieving process. I was more fortunate because my parents and sisters were right there with me, bearing the brunt of the weight. I read your story, I get to know you, and I see how happy you are... and I love it! Thank you for being an inspiration, for sharing these precious moments with us. You give me so much hope! XO

  8. Awesome thoughts. I totally agree and feel the same way about my life and my fiance :)

  9. Is this possible while staying with the husband? I'm not sure.

    1. I think it is possible Anon. WE ARE CAPABLE of creating our own happiness no matter what the situation is. Some will be harder and more challenging than others BUT one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time, etc, we can become that much closer to being happy without being on the coat-tails of someone else.

      At least this is what my counselor instructed me to do when I was in limbo with my ex-husband. I also know that Scabs ( is living a very fulfilling, happy and confident life whilst staying with her previously unfaithful husband. There are really hard times, and triggers and moments of uncertainty, but overall, she is PROOF to me that it is totally possible.

      Hang in there... LOVE YOU!

  10. Jacy I have been M.I.A congrats on your engagement:)


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