Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A Little Bit of Anxiety



















Of the many purposes of this blog, one is to honestly share my journey with all of you... in hopes to not only continue on my path to healing, but to maybe help someone else out there.

Today, I'm going to get a little bit more personal with you... as if I haven't enough already? Lol.

Here goes.

I'm slightly nervous to get remarried.

I'm not nervous about the decision to marry Seth one iota. I'm nervous to actually get and be married again. It's almost like I've forgotten how to do it... you know, share a life with someone, share a home with someone, continually work together with someone. Obviously so far Seth and I work together amazingly and we are the best of friends... but it's a whole new ball game once you marry,  join lives and actually share a home together.

It's exciting, no doubt.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a tad bit nervous.

I think I've just gotten used to (and good at) being alone-- just me and Little Dude. I've genuinely enjoyed our little life together. I've enjoyed becoming independent and not having to answer to anyone really. If I want to do it, I do. It's been me, myself and I running this ship... and I've grown quite fond of it.

I mean, who knew I'd love sleeping in a bed alone? For so long I longed to have someone there beside me and now, I'm genuinely worried how my sleep will be affected once we are married. Ha!

But I've also yearned for that steady companionship, that male figure in the home, that person- the one who in a sea of crowded people, my eyes will always look for-, that family bond and that special relationship. I've craved it.

The second-time is different than the first: different feelings, different dynamics, different ideas, different approach. Different isn't bad... it's just that... DIFFERENT.

I write all the time about letting go of how you think it should be and embracing the change, but sometimes, if we are totally honest with ourselves, that change can be overwhelming and a little scary, too. Which is why I think I've had a case of the volatile emotional head cold lately . I'm up, I'm down, I'm ecstatic, I'm apprehensive, I'm confident, I'm nervous, etc. So much so, I've been driving myself nuts (and Seth I'm sure). So, I squeezed in a last minute last minute visit with my therapist, Maurice, yesterday and it was seriously the BEST hour of self-analyzation than I've had in looooong time.

As I talked it all over with him, slouched in the comfy black leather sofa, he said a few things that put my nerves to rest:

1) This type of feeling is completely NORMAL for a woman who has experienced what I have.

2) My anxious feelings are not because "I have issues", but rather because of "my past-experiences". Two entirely different things.

3) It is totally okay to utilize modern medicine if I feel I could benefit from it. He suggested I take an anti-anxiety pill and use it as a 'maintenance only' source of relief.

4) If I didn't feel any sense of nervousness, he'd be worried about my state of mind. This shows him that I am taking this decision very seriously, as I should be.

5) Courage is being able to make a decision, even if you may be a little scared of the risk(s) involved. As long as I've done the proper homework before hand and have prepared very cautiously and slowly, I'm going to be just fine.

Like I always do, I left Maurice's office feeling a sense of validation, relief and empowerment. I'm not a crazy lady after all... I'm a lady about to embark on a second marriage... with a child involved... and everything I divulged in that office yesterday is more common than not for a woman like me.

Phew.

And like I always do, I feel so blessed to have a man like Seth in my life. It's been a blessing more than I can even describe to have a man I can openly discuss all of my fears, anxieties, hopes and dreams with. He never gets upset or accusatory or insecure, he just holds my hand, hears me out, calms my tension and guides me through it. Which yet again, is proof that he is the EXACT MAN I want to see at the end of that aisle- even if I feel a slight bit of anxiety along the walk, I know I am making the right and BEST decision of my life!

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7 comments:

  1. I think you are making the best decision too :)

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  2. thanks for sharing this. you're such a brave person Jacy :)

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  3. You are brave and so so strong. I'm so glad I found your blog when I did because I hope to be where you are one day... and that alone is scary. As I read all of your experiences, I can't help but relate to all of it. Thank you for sharing all of this. LOVE!!

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  4. I think you are doing great. I was engaged before in a relationship similar to yours. I was hesitant to even get in another relationship and I wasn't married.

    Thanks for always being so honest.

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  5. I love how real you are! I hope that makes sense!

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  6. Even more reason for us to go to lunch! I have a few tips on expectations for a 2nd marriage I could share;) You are doing all the right things!

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  7. I so know what you're saying! And I've never been divorced. Sometimes it is just easier to do it yourself because then you can do it your way. I'm sure it will be difficult at times, but I know of no one more suited to make it work GREAT than you two. I'm so happy for you.

    Also, my hubby's been working nights for a while, and I must admit it is nice to have a big bed to yourself sometimes.;)

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