Monday, October 15, 2012

Reflection and Self Worth- Where I am Now




















If you missed the last 3 posts on this and you really want to start from the beginning, here's the link. Good luck ;)

If you want to catch up in less than 10 seconds, here you go...

I kind of had a semi-low self esteem in my adolescent years. Nothing terrible. I didn't sit in my room and cry all my life, but I did feel inadequate compared to my friends. I had a large(r) nose and a few people made fun of it in front of algebra class, I got a nose job after that, I cut my hair very short senior year and was called a "dike" for many months, I never had a boyfriend before my first husband, after I found out of my husbands infidelity I went through a total identity crisis, and then I did everything I possibly could to build myself back up (eyelash extensions, tan, laser hair removal, breast implants, hair extensions, new and tighter wardrobe, etc).

I guess I could say that I've been there, done that.

The other night I was talking to a dear friend and she asked,

"How have you done it, Jace? How have you gone from the seemingly perfectly put together girl I used to know, (always dressed to a tee and done up) to now being comfortable and happy in your own skin, regardless of what you're wearing, if you have makeup on or how your hair looks? You never used to be like this? My husband and I have noticed a HUGE positive change in you."

Really? Cool!

I tried to explain to this friend how I've done it... but I couldn't. I didn't really know. Since then I've been doing much thinking and here's what I've come up with.

When you hit that place you call rock bottom, you have no other choice but to change the way you view yourself and the world around you. I get it. I really do. I've felt insecure about many, many things most of my life. I've also felt confident about many things most of my life... but when those negative thoughts would integrate into my brain waves, the only thing I knew how to do was try to keep up with everyone around me. And so, I did. It was mentally and physically and financially draining at times.

I also know what it feels like to compare myself to friends (even as a grown woman) and feeling not as pretty or edgy or fit or clever or whatever. I know what it's like to have your inner self sizzle with comparison.

Although I'm not exactly sure when it happened, I do know that something has changed the way I view myself. In fact, there are times that I feel like an entirely different person than just last year! I used to think I needed to be dolled up all the time, but ever since I met Seth and have continued on my path to self healing, that feeling has gone away- mostly. There are still sometimes I get stuck in my old habits and ask Seth to tell me all the reasons he thinks I'm pretty (I know, I know... silly) and when I do, I just feel so blah afterwards.... Why? Because instead of focusing on what he (or other's) think of me and how I look or how I'm dressed or how pretty I am (or am not), I should be devoting my time and concern towards the type of person I am and who I am becoming.

Something unexplainable and magical happens when you can honestly let go of everything you think you "should be" and focus on everything you already are and all the things you hope to improve.

And I think that's where I'm at right now.

Have I got it all together?

Not hardly.

But I DO think that I am so much more grounded and secure as an individual than I have ever been in my entire life.

I DO think that there is a liberating feeling when I can begin to love myself for the good parts AND the not-so-good parts... recognizing everything that makes me, me.

I DO think that there is a distinguished sort of inner peace that comes when I can truly start to appreciate the simple side of life- free from the "keep up with the Jone's" mentality and trying to impress just for the sake of impressing.

Right now I feel great!

I still have my moments of pitiful comparisons and jealousies (I may have had a downer moment even on Saturday about something SO ridiculous) but for the most part I really DO think I am a woman of great worth. I feel confident and intelligent and sexy and attractive and guess what?? Lately I've even been feeling it on the days when all I sport is greasy gym hair and spandex pants. Oh yeah! :)


**Considering your self worth, where are you now? Right this very minute?




12 comments:

  1. We are all works in progress but it sounds like you are heading the right way. I know a lot of women who seem to be getting less comfortable in their skin as they age. They are doing lots of stuff (Plastic surgery, extreme dieting etc) to fight off looking older. Many of them look worse and feel worse too.

    Part of getting older is getting wiser. You realize that you are amazing as you are and not to sweat the small stuff like vanity.

    Good for you!

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    1. That is so true Japolina... wiser is a great way to describe it :)

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  2. Hey beautiful lady! This hit home because I have done a few of the things you mentioned above. This was a great question. I am finally back into my tshirt and jeans and comfortable about my size. I was always a little bit curvier than most girls but after my divorce, food hardly seemed edible. I lost a ton of weight but that didn't fix my issues. What fixed my issues was surrounding myself with positive people who love me for me regardless of what I look like. I'm getting comfortable in my own skin. I'm happy to say that since I have never been comfortable with myself. I love you Jacy! BTW- are those your real eyelashes?? LOVE THEM!

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    1. Ah! My lashes...that's my post for tomorrow Rubs :)

      I LOVE YOU TOO and I'm SO glad you are feeling happy with you! You should! You're a bombshell for so many reasons!

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  3. I love you Jacy! I love reading your blog every morning too! You look amazing and I can tell you feel that way also! Love the lashes!

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    1. Love you too Nichole! Thanks for the lash tip.... :) ha! You are so sweet! Let's play soon!

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  4. I love this! You just seem so much happier and in a much better place!! I love how comfortable you are in your own skin and how comfortable you are talking about! You are seriously a powerhouse.

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  5. I have spent way too much time reading your blog this morning! Amazing to read a story so similar and yet so different from my own. I feel like you are already my friend, hope that's not too weird haha. I am happy you are in a happy place after so much heartache. Love a success story! Thanks for your honest and uplifting blog. I'll be back!
    Mrs. Smith

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    1. Welcome here Mrs. Smith! I am so glad to have you.. :) It's not weird feeling like a friend at all.... because I know exactly what you mean! I feel that there is this really cool, unique bond that happens with us women... even if our stories or similar, yet different.

      Isn't it amazing to know that there are others out there who know what you've felt.... I loved it... and I still do...

      Thank you again... know that you are loved and that I appreciate your friendship and support! It means OH SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Sending you lots of love tonight!

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  6. Love this post and must say that you are so disarmingly beautiful inside and out!

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  7. Love your phrase..."inner self sizzle with comparison". Oh, how I know that feeling! You put it so perfectly.

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  8. Writing in from India... its one of your old posts... But feels really good to know and read that we have all walked down tat path... Chanced upon your blog yesterday and can't stop sneaking despite reading them from work... Keep it up Jacy

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