Monday, November 12, 2012

Tough Conversations Spurred on by a Holiday Wreath

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Long story short.

Last night as Seth was leaving to go home, I asked him what he thought of my new festive wreath hanging on the door. His reaction was that of how I imagine most men would respond to a shimmery gold and poinsettia holiday decoration. He wasn't over-the-top for it, but he didn't disapprove. More like a nonchalance.

Fair enough.

But for reasons that I'd rather not delve into, I had a mini-melt down once I closed the door behind him.

I sat on my feelings for a bit. I let them fester. My mind started to blow things way out of proportion. I started to panic. I festered some more.

I had two routes I could take:

1) I could dwell on it over night and hope that it'd all just magically disappear by morning (and if it didn't I'd be even more bugged as time went on).

OR

2) I could pull it together, brave up and call my finance to talk about my hurt feelings and their relation to the decor hanging on my door.

I thought about which route to take. I hated the idea of number one because it usually never solves anything for me. But I didn't love the idea of number two either. Blubbering around, trying to phrase how my holiday decor and his thoughts about it concerned me. I mean, really?? How is a mature woman to start such a conversation? "What you said (or didn't say) about my cheap wreath really hurt my feelings... here's why.... "

It felt pathetic.

I felt pathetic.

You are bigger than this, Jacy. Don't call. Work it out yourself.

But a stronger feeling within me said, call anyway! Talk to him about it!

So I called.

"Hey, Jacy, what's up!?"

"Um... so... you know what you said about the wreath... well... um... it made me feel..."

And then I just let it all out.

Crying, insecurities, anxieties, questions, concerns, past experiences, expectations, etc.

52 minutes later.

It sounds ridiculous. I know because I was the one spewing out ridiculous things. It's like I could hear myself on the other end of the phone, and I even rolled my own eyes at myself a few times. But to me, the feelings were real. They were valid. As silly as it seemed, my feelings were about SO MUCH MORE than just a cheap piece of decoration. They were feelings that stem from deep, interconnected, damp roots of confusion and uncertainty and the possibility of life not being what I think it will be, again.

All I can say this morning is that I am so grateful for Seth.

I am so grateful for his awesome ability to communicate with me.

I am so grateful that he and I have constructive and positive conversations- even if they are draining and hard and even sometimes really petty.

I am so grateful that he listens and never blames or minimizes me.

I am so grateful that I braved up and called him late last night because I think we both feel a little better understood.

I am so grateful for this chance I have to continue learning more about myself, aiding me to grow into a more secure and confident woman.

I am so grateful for the opportunity I will have to be a wife again and to relearn how to be apart of marriage that is happy and compromising and communicative and long lasting.

And I'm grateful for these ill-timed triggers. They may seem so insignificant, but I have learned that they are very rarely not insignificant. They pop up when you least expect them and can cause a downward spiral. But if you can get control of the spin, find your balance again and then process why it happened (by talking it over or thinking things through or seeing a shrink or whatever you do), you can make progress moving forward... little by little or maybe huge strides at a time... you can MOVE FORWARD.

I know that I definitely moved forward as an individual last night and I think we moved forward together, too. The first steps of many together.

It's just so bizarre that it was all spurred on by a $7 clearance wreath from Hobby Lobby. Who knew?

p.s. I plan to post more about better communication in relationships. Good stuff on the horizon, I promise. Seth is the bomb-diggity when it comes to this and I'm going to have him help me... so make sure you check back!

**And just in case you need a little brightening this morning:





























You are welcome :)

6 comments:

  1. I am glad you two communicate so well, that's so important! Little dudes face in that picture is too cute. Also I am so so sorry for your family. I can't imagine how hard it is to watch your aunt be so sick. I will pray for her and you all!

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  2. I really wish I could communicate. Instead I sit on my feelings until I feel like I'm going to explode. I love reading your posts. They provide much needed insights.

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    1. Ooooo... I'm excited for you to read the other stuff I'm going to post Ruby. I used to be JUST like you... but I am trying SO hard to be better at communicating EFFECTIVELY... it's getting easier, I think ;)

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  3. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has melt downs over seemingly insignificant things! I do however wish I was braver when it came to expressing why I have them! My husband usually has to ask 15 times before I will tell him and then I manage one word before I dissolve into a sobbing mess. Usually it takes the whole night before I can get it out! Way to be brave, Jacy! LOVE your blog because it gives me hope and insight on bad days and laughter on the good ones! :)

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    1. I am so glad you are here Jessica! Thanks for the encouragement... You sound a lot like me.... Dissolving into a sobbing mess... I have SO been there.... and then it does put me in a funk! but the more we practice, the easier it is to overcome :)

      XOXO

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  4. Thanks for sharing your experience. I was just having a problem like this today. It wasnt over a wreath. I was about how my husbands sex addiction effected my daughter. I was writing in my journal today to process the information. I agree with you that processing the information is necessary, whether we write about or talk about it. My husband isnt always great at having conversations like this. In fact I tried to talk to my husband last night. It didnt work. Hes getting better though. We have had many conversations that sound more like the one you had with seth. I love those ones. Thanks for reminding me there is hope.

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