Sunday, March 31, 2013

Betty Jeanne

80 years ago, today, my grandma was born into this world.

In this very moment today, my grandma is in hospice at a care center, struggling to get through the last few days, if not hours, of her life.

My mom called me last night to tell me that the time was getting near- that my grandma's spirit was getting closer to leaving her body. It hasn't been an easy transition, however. Grandma is uncomfortable and it's been really really really hard. Yesterday, barely even able to function, her eyes opened slowly and she would reach her arms up toward the right corner of the ceiling just pleading for something. Begging for something. Unable to speak, unable to acknowledge anyone, she could see something no one else could... and then, exhausted and unable to sustain anymore, she laid back into her bed, closed her eyes, and fell right back to sleep.

She's hasn't opened her eyes since.

Today is a hard day, but I find it beautifully ironic that today is Easter.

Usually today is a day filled with frilly Easter baskets, glittery eggs, and cute pastel coordinating outfits. But today isn't that sort of a day for me. Today, as hard as it is to know that someone I love so very much is nearing her final hour, I celebrate life.

I celebrate the life of my grandma, one of my greatest friends, Betty Jeanne.

I celebrate the richness of life that I have been blessed.

I celebrate the lives of my family members and dear friends, whom make me a better person.

And today, I celebrate the life, the message and the resurrection of my Savior.

He is risen.

He is near.

He lives on.

What a wonderful blessing it is to know, on this very bittersweet day, that my sweet Grammie will live on. Forever.

This is what Easter is all about to me.

**Betty Jeanne did pass away on her birthday and Easter Sunday. If you knew my grammie, you'd chuckle because only my grammie could have orchestrated something this :) Love you always and forever gam gam!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Q&A: Making Hard Decisions

A few weeks ago, one of my best friends text me and said:

"I just made a huge life change and I wish I would have had a post on the subject to read. You should write a blog post on making hard decisions!"

When I read this I chuckled and thought, who am I to write a post on decision making? I am the worst decision maker ever! I can't even decide what flavor of gelato to order, or if I want bacon or sausage with my pancakes. I panic when I have to make decisions, especially BIG, important, life changing decisions (and let's be honest, I've had to make a few of those thus far in my short life i.e. getting divorced, getting remarried, etc).

Like my grandpa says, as he's struggling to get out of a chair, "maturing isn't for sissies, Jacy!"

Well I say the same is true for making hard decisions.

It is hard and it is definitely not for sissies! And, to be honest, I'm not sure I have the greatest advice to give. I suppose I could find an insightful article about the topic and share my findings with all you of.... however, I think I'd rather go introspective and tell you about one of the hard decisions I've just made...

Big, deep, breaths.

I'm going to start writing here at My Name is Jacy again- a very hard, well thought out, and difficult decision to make. 

Just ask Seth. 

I imagine the poor fellow is ready to smother me with a pillow by now. We have laid in bed numerous times and had the same conversations- replaying just about everything imaginable. We've talked about all the reasons I stopped in the first place, and all the reasons I feel I should start it up again.

Perhaps I could go on and list all the reasons here, but I find that unnecessary.

I will, however, tell you this:

I am more than my blog (something a friend gently and gratefully reminded me of a few weeks ago).

This blog doesn't need to dictate me.

I am in control of what it is, and what it isn't.

I can still connect with all of you.

I can still write. 

I can still heal here.

I can still be me.

I don't have to make myself believe the notion that my past shouldn't affect me anymore; it does. And it is a HUGE part of who I am TODAY.

I don't have to try to keep my new journey anonymous; I can simply change my approach.

So here's what I know about making hard decisions:

All choices have consequences. Some are good, some are bad, some are big, some are small. But no matter what happens, you don't have to let those choices or consequences define you. There is always  opportunity to pick yourself back up and learn from those experiences. There is always opportunity to find a new path or you can always take a break to reevaluate before you try again. But you don't have to let the unknown cripple you, you don't have to let embarrassment or pride limit you, and most importantly, you don't have to quit.

You can always readjust your sails.

It's taken me 6 looooong months to get to this point... but I feel so calm today. I'm nervous, yes, and I do worry about what other's will think.... but in the end, you have to make a choice one way or another; and there's something refreshingly calming that exists when you've actually made it.

**If you're still here, I love you. Thank you.  I can't wait to tell you all about what I've been working on! My mission is changing and I feel like, in order to do this, I have to be me again.... Jacy.

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