Tuesday, February 11, 2014

My Name is POLLY

I dated for 10 years, that’s like 10,000 Mormon years, to find a man who wasn’t addicted to porn.  Dates often ended early because I couldn’t stop bringing up that porn is the root of 98% of all problems – well, more like 99.8%.  

And then, I married an amazing man, who was also a really good liar.  You know, in his defense, he didn’t know he was lying – most addicts don’t.  He thought he’d never look at porn again.  

And kudos to him.  He’s the only man in the universe man enough to marry me and my big mouth.  Plus, to love me enough to brave the wrath of my porn hatred when you’ve had a history of porn use . . . well . . . right there, you know that Jake is one gutsy, loving, committed guy.

About three months after our wedding, and two months after getting preggers (hey, don’t judge, I was 31 and my ovaries were getting dusty), he told me about his addiction.

I say “was a really good liar” because when he realized he needed to change, he got really serious about telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Which took some time.  Strange, but I was relieved.  It explained some things– like the occasional irritability.  The random anger episodes.  And on the plus side, I could check “avoid being married to a porn addict” off my list.  And now I get to spend, like 10,000 Mormon years doing therapy for date night.  Who knew dates could be so meaningful?

When you find yourself in your worst nightwear, oops, I mean nightmare, what else can you do but laugh and cry and then laugh again.  What else do you do when you think you can’t write your own story?

We’ve been working through his recovery for almost four years now.   Four years of moments.  Moments when I thought our marriage was over.  Moments when we both wanted to give up.  Moments when we could see progress.  Moments of joy.  

And I realized I could write my own story.  A story of a girl who married the man of her dreams and nightmares – let’s just say, nocturnal visualizations.  The story of how they created a close, trusting, awesome marriage together, from the shambles of betrayal.  Man that’s good.  Sort of like Beauty and The Beast.

Ahem, I’m the Beauty.  

I found that seeing the humorous side of things helped keep my spirits up, so I started writing comedy on my humor blog www.comingtogrips.net.

And no, it’s not all fun and games.  Our marriage still has some really tough days.  On average about three days every three months are awful.  Awful, I tell you.  We’ve learned that it’s not about the porn or sex, it’s about dealing with your emotions in healthy ways.  Like chocolate or the BBC.  Who couldn’t use a little more BBC?

The hardest thing about being open about my marriage is the pity from women who don’t understand – sensing that they’re thinking, “Oh, poor dear, she doesn’t realize how terrible her life is.”

That’s when I think, “Oh, poor dear, she doesn’t realize how terrible her life is.”  

The best thing about being open about the ups and downs of recovery is that I’ve been able to make a difference and make amazing friends with women all over the country.  Oh, and that my marriage rocks.  Go team!    

My name is Polly and I’m at peace 348 days a year.

*Polly, thank you for you sincere honesty and bravery... and for Jake and his honesty and bravery, too.  I am honored to know you. Thanks for being real about something that  is very hard to talk openly about. You two are making a huge difference!

**Remember that the purpose of this series is to open our hearts, to interact, to uplift, to support and to grow.  Polly will be reading your comments so you may comment directly to her. 

(Find out more about the "My Name is" series and read the stories of other courageous and inspiring women, here.)


  1. i fell in love with you and your attitude at the togetherness project. Thank you for being open and honest with everyone about what you deal with. So much of porn addiction is hidden in shame and it's refreshing to hear your story. You inspire me.

  2. Ditto to the comment above. You're amazing and inspiring! Thanks for being you and sharing your story! ♡♡♡

  3. Thanks! We really appreciate your support.

  4. PS Jacy! I met my husband online too! They have some good ones on the interwebs:).

  5. Haha! Of course you're the beauty, Polly! :) I love your story and the way you express it. Thanks again for being so open and refreshing and such an inspiration. I know I'm only one of countless people who have been influenced by you. You're a gem.

  6. You are still so incredible....and very funny!

  7. Polly, you are one of favorite people!

  8. And I was like -- "Hey, the woman in that photo on Jacy's Facebook page looks like Polly." And then I was like, "Oh, it IS Polly!"

    You and Jake are awesome. We need more brave (and funny) people in this world. So glad our worlds collided.

  9. I really enjoyed your story. I discovered my husband's porn addiction about a year after we married. I have been dealing with it for 17 years now. Your story makes me feel not so crazy for riding the ups and downs. He's a great guy and like you you, we are mostly happy with those few rotten days in between! Thanks for sharing!


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