Monday, June 9, 2014

The Hard Part





























Last night, Little Dude and I had our scheduled phone call while he's away for the month. I was counting down the minutes until 6pm.

I anxiously grabbed the phone and dialed. The moment he answered the phone, I was SO excited to hear his little voice! It felt like home.

"HI BUDDY! How are you?" I squealed in excitement (as we hadn't talked in 5 days).

"Oh, hey mom" he said with a monotone voice.

"Hi! What have you been up to?" I cheerfully asked.

"Um, not much. Hey, um, can we be done talking now? I really want to go play." he said.

I was so excited to catch up with him and hear his voice and let him know how much I loved and missed him and he was just…. indifferent… indifferent to the call… but even more difficult, indifferent to me. It was like pulling teeth to get him to visit with me for 9 whole minutes. I could tell he was just totally over it. 

We visited about a few things and then he asked again "Can we be done? Has it been long enough, yet?"

"We can be done, Little Dude. I am so glad you are having so much fun!"

When I hung up the phone, I said "I love you, I'll talk to you soon…. okay?" and he said "Okay, bye mom."

Click.

Can I be honest today and tell you that I just felt a little bit sad?

No matter how much I prepare myself, those moments are always unexpected and difficult.

I know he is happy and is having a wonderful time away… and that is the MOST important thing… and I know he loves me… of course I do… but there are times when this whole thing just stinks.

So, instead of feeling too sorry for myself, I'm going to do what I learned to do 4 years ago as a Pioneer Woman. I'm not going through a divorce again, nor am I trekking across the plains as a single mom, I'm not killing my own buffalo, but I am navigating through the foreign territory of being away from my little guy and I'm learning how to cope and deal with those hard moments when I miss him and the moments when it seems like he couldn't care less about me.

But as I've said before, a million ba-jallion times…

"This is what I've been dealt so buck up, chin up, and keep on going!"

And that is what I'll strive to do :)


16 comments:

  1. Going through that right now... I had the same response from Max and I try to remind myself that he's having fun, he's doing other things, etc. It still stings though. Hang in there, friend! He'll be in your arms before you know it.

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    1. Thanks Ruby :) I know it….yours is a longer stint…. Sending you so much love…. xoxox

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  2. Jacy! I love you and your post! This is me, totally me! I want my kids to want to talk to me when they're gone...but alas they don't have time for me! They are having a blast but I don't care I want them to want to talk to me instead! I remind myself daily they didn't choose this and it's about them and they should have fun...but I want them to want to tell me about it! Boo.....they don't....they never will so instead I will "buck up, chin up, and keep on going!" and be happy that they are happy!
    ~Becky
    P.S. I'm still waiting for the Mountain Town UTGW (Unofficial togetherness girls weekend) :)

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    1. Becky- right?! Happy that he is happy is KEY… :) Love you girl! I'm so glad I met you!

      UTGW- let's DO IT! :)

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  3. Oh, that made me a little sad, too! :'( I'm sorry - it does stink. I'm sure there are times each and every day away when he misses you like crazy too. You're amazing. Keep keeping on! ;) (((HUGS)))

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    1. Jenn, I honestly don't know if he does… and that actually puts my mind at peace because I know he is happy and good and enjoying every moment…. but sometimes, the moments of indifference are just hard. And I think it's that way with any parent…. whether the child lives there or not.

      Thank you friend… love ya!

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  4. No matter how you tell the story, it's just sad. And it's okay to feel sad. Really. But he will be back before you know it.

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    1. There are definitely sad parts :( Thank you for reminding me that it is OKAY to feel sad.

      A wise woman said (Ahem, Kandee Myers): Happy people experiencing SADNESS comfortably. I think she is precisely right and I am learning to do this. It is getting easier for sure, but it still has its difficult moments.

      Thank you, Kara! You're a gem!

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  5. It does all stink! My kids text me a lot saying how much they hate it at their dads. And they cry the day of saying they don't want to go. That hurts too. I wish there was an answer of what to do. Buck up, chin up is hard and wearing. Wish I could just go back in time. Or run away. Or something.....

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    1. Anonymous-

      Now this is a totally different scenario and I am so so so sorry. That DOES hurt. It's painful for everyone: the kids because they're miserable, you because you want them to be happy and safe, and their dad because he probably knows that they hate being there. Every angle of this aspect stinks.

      But the buck up, chin up, although it is VERY hard and wearing, is honestly the only way I've been able to find and redefine my happiness. Wishing to go back is impossible… running away is possible but aspects of the stinkiness will follow you…. I know you know this already… I am not preaching to you…

      I just want you to know that I feel your pain. It is for different reasons, but it is the same… it is the loss of the life we thought we had. I struggle with this all the time, still. But I cannot live in the place forever because it just brings me down and I hate that place. So I have to find my own personal meaning and my happiness-- even though there are parts that just make zero sense OR are really really dysfunctional and hard. I am working a post right now, that I am so excited to post about finding meaning…. please watch for it.

      Know that you are not alone and that you are loved.

      I wish I could wrap my arms around you because no part of this is easy.

      xoxo

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  6. My sister is experiencing her very first post divorce summer time away from her FOUR little cuties for 4 weeks and she's having a hard time because she was so excited to call them the other day and her second oldest who is 5 years old was totally over it and didn't want to talk either. She tried not to take it personal and she knows it's not personal but definitely hard. Her 7 year old talked fine with her and then she has twin 2 year olds that can't really talk so it was rough.

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    1. Morgan, you're right… it is not personal at all… and I need to remember that :) Thank you!

      Sorry for your sister…. she is not alone… if she needs a network of friends who understand, let me know and I can plug her in.

      XOXO

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    2. Can I comment on this? Okay I'm going to anyway..... I have learned to really be able to enjoy the time my kids are gone. I garden, I eat out (hehe it's cheap when they're gone!), I watch the TV shows they HATE, I don't do laundry if I don't want too!, I spend time reading because they're not here needing me! Please tell your sister to ENJOY the time! Relax, do things for herself because they will be back before she knows it and the needing will begin all over again! Sorry I just needed to add my two cents to this because I've been there...and now I've learned to not be there anymore and I'm so much happier and happy is good for the soul!

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    3. becky i agree! i think she should relish in it as well. i just think this first time was hard for her. but she's one that really really likes her alone time so...i think she'll get to the point where she'll try to enjoy the break a little.

      thanks for your comment!

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  7. Oh Jacy...hugs to you. It's a hard thing, but you are not alone. I know this pain. I am in the sadness this week...waiting for Thursday to come. Miss my lil lad. Divorce isn't just hard once, it's hard forever, it seems. Worrying about the kids, time away from them, who gets what holiday. I used to love holidays and summer, now I dread getting out the papers to see who's turn/time it is and making the schedules.

    What doesn't kill us makes us stronger? Look at you, you are amazing. I know a lot of amazing woman who go through these things. Hopefully it is helping to make me a better person too. Or else, why go through this hell....

    Much love <3

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    1. Oh, you sweetheart, you! Thank you so much for this.

      What doesn't kill us DOES make us stronger… and I truly believe we are all becoming more patient, compassionate, confident because of it all. At least that is my goal… to just become better than I was before.

      Love you dear friend!

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