Friday, December 19, 2014

A Non-Traditional Christmas

It's that beautiful time of year… the one when you just cannot deny the feelings of love and joy and excitement in the air. It's magical. It's whimsical. It's supposedly "the most wonderful time of the year".

But what about for those who DON'T feel this way? What about those who are sad, and alone, and just doing everything they can to survive the holidays?

For some of you, it may seem foreign-- how can anyone NOT love the holidays? SNAP OUT OF IT!-- you may think. I know I used to think that.

And then it happened to me. 

I became the very person I never understood.

The person who cried and complained and who had a broken heart during the holidays. 


Because my baby boy was gone. He was to spend time with his dad for Christmas (and holidays in general) and I was left alone-- feeling empty. Feeling robbed. Feeling like life is incredibly UNFAIR,  this is SO not what I signed up for! My life was shattered. My family was broken. I was a big loser. Failure.

Everyone else around me had everything I should have had.

But of the many things I have grown to love about my specific journey and everything I have come to know, I think the ability to evolve and adapt is near the very top. Almost 5 years later, even though it has been a shift like no other, and it has taken SERIOUS determination and mental work, we are living proof that you can find happiness in the unexpected, the non-traditional, and the sometimes very difficult situations. You can create new cherished memories, lots of laughter, and even joy among them.

Tomorrow Little Dude leaves for 3 weeks to spend Christmas in Utah with his dad. We've already opened presents, eaten a ham, and enjoyed our celebrations together…. and now, I am so very excited for him to enjoy the holiday with his dad! I honestly cannot believe I feel so free… so refreshed… so… HAPPY on the day my son is leaving. And I think it's because no matter how I look at it, no matter what I do or say, no matter what I *wish* it was, no matter how terribly I will miss seeing the magic of his eyes on Christmas morning, no matter ANY OF IT, I cannot change what it is. This is my new life. Actually, this is our new normal… for all of us… And you know... It's beautiful! 

Hard things can be beautiful… if only you'll figure out how to make them so! I truly believe this!

It's taken a long time to get to this point, but I'm finding happiness and goodness and cheer, even though it's not what I had ever planned. And I am genuinely looking forward to this special time that Seth and I will get to share together, as it will be the last holiday we will ever have without kiddo's (since our baby is on the way). I know it sounds crazy to many of you, but it really is such a neat experience-- one that I can finally accept and ENJOY now.

This holiday, from my heart to yours, I want to wish you a very Merry Christmas today-- no matter what is happening in your life right now. If you're single, or if life isn't what you thought it'd be, or if you're hurting, or if your kiddos are away, or if you're dealing with other things in your life (as we all do), I hope you'll take time to find some JOY in there somewhere... Because it IS possible and if you look hard enough, it can be found in any situation!

All my love to you.

Gorgeous print at the top can be found and purchased HERE.


  1. I miss my Jacy posting on this blog. This is where I "hear" your voice and I love it. Merry Christmas to you, Gorgeous!

    1. Ang! I miss you and hope to write more…. I hope you are doing well…. LOVE YOU LOTS GIRL!

  2. Jacy you are 1 of the most genuine, beautiful, brave and smart women I have ever met! I found your blog months ago and it has lead me on a journey of discovering the awful truths of how wide spread sex addiction and pornography is. It was a heartbreaking discovery, but then to find I wasn't alone. That there are so many other women struggling that have husbands, sons, and other family members that have this life as well. I met you at the Togetherness Project and am so glad I hugged you and told you how amazing you are and what an example you are to others. You are wise beyond your years! I am so happy you are in a good place and actually able to feel real peace and joy even without your son with you for Christmas. It will be a special time for you and your husband, like you said, just time alone before the new baby. I'm so glad you recognize that that also is a different kind of blessing.

    Thank you again for your example and bravery. You are a true angel here on earth to help others to heal. Merry Christmas to you and your beautiful family. Hugs girl! You rock!

    1. Well, this made me cry. Happy and humble tears… thank you, thank you! I don't know who you are as anonymous, but if I saw you, I'm sure I'd recognize you! Thank you for this.. you have no idea how much it means :)


  3. I'm late saying this...but that's okay right? ;p I hope you had a VERY Merry Christmas. I hope all is well with you and the pregnancy. I am so happy for you. Thank you so much for the wonderful post you have shared and the light you bring to others...including me :)

    1. Eh-hem. I wasn't going to bother, but I must. I accidentally did not add the "s" to "post" above. Darn it, I MEANT "POSTS"!!! Yes, all of them. Not just this one. I was going to ignore it and walk away...but no. I wanted to be certain that YOU knew just how much EACH and EVERY one of them has been appreciated...and how helpful they have been. I agree with Anonymous above. You ARE an angel!! THANK YOU!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

    2. I LOVE YOU LADY! And thanks for clarifying…. lol… even if it just were ONE post, I'd be thrilled :) Hope you had a wonderful Christmas! Mwah!


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