Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Third Trimester and Believing in Myself

It has been a WILD 6 months to say the very least.

And the month of January!? CRAZY!

I was sent to the ER a few weeks ago because my OB thought I had pneumonia. Freaked me right out! Nearly 4 weeks later, and a diagnosis of Bronchitis, I am FINALLY kicking it. So, that's good :)

This pregnancy has also been rather tough on me. I don't know if it's because I'm older? Or if every pregnancy is really that different? But wow! It's been hard. I don't remember ANY of this in my pregnancy with Little Dude. I suppose 7 years is a long time.

But the craziest part is that we will be meeting our LITTLE BOY in just 12 short weeks! We can't wait! Poor Little Dude wanted a sister SOOOOOO bad… but I told him we are grateful for whatever we are blessed with. He was a champ when the ultrasound tech pointed out the penis between the legs :) and I honestly think he'll LOVE having another brother to care for. (His other bro is in Utah.)




























So! Time is FLYING. And I'm not ready in the slightest.

You see, when I got a divorce, I got rid of everything babyish. And I mean everything! I just didn't see myself getting remarried, let alone having children, anytime soon… so instead of finding a place to store everything during that CRAZY time in my life, I just gave it to those who needed it. Which means that, now, we are starting over from scratch! It's fun and it's scary and it's everything in between because...

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH A NEWBORN! 

Aaaaaahhhhh!

I keep being told that my motherly instincts will kick in again-- that it will all come back to me….

I'm not so sure… haha… So much so that I not only signed Seth and I up for Prenatal Class, but a Baby Your Baby class… you know, everything you need to know about how to care for a newborn. I am really looking forward to this class because I am going to need all the help I can get :)

But all the nervousness and anxieties aside, it really is so incredible. Feeling this life inside of me… knowing that this baby was created from love… knowing that he will be born into so much love… we are all very, very, excited and we feel so blessed because this baby represents so much to us. I'm sure we all have different ideas/thoughts about what he means… but to me… this little fella represents trust and courage… love and commitment… and the unbelievable opportunity we all have to pick back up, to dust off, to keep on trekking, and to find happiness again, no matter what comes our way.

And he also represents BELIEVING. Believing in love again. Believing in goodness again. Believing in happiness again. And most importantly, believing in myself again. Believing that I can do it.

It's pretty amazing.

Honestly, it feels like this baby is our little miracle and I am SO excited for him to get here!

But for now, I am trying to relish every kick and jab from him... Even in the middle of the night when he's keeping me awake-- wide eyed and bushy tailed-- I love the little parties we have together :)

*I hope you're all doing well and I know I say it all the time… but I love this community of people… you're the greatest! Oh, and I tend to be a little more active on my Instagram so if you're on there, I'd love to get to know you better and you'll see more active posts from me there :) (mynameisjacy is my profile name)

xoxo

Friday, January 23, 2015

What am I Doing with My Discovery?

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There's a term that's been in my vocabulary for the last (almost) 5 years. It's a term I had never heard of before that time. Two words that, when you put them together, can be completely and utterly catastrophic.

"Discovery Day" (or "D-Day").

The day when everything in your life changes.

It gives me shivers thinking about my "Discovery Day".

I mean, there is real trauma there. So much so that I've had a few triggers in the last few weeks thinking about it. Something pops up, or I see an old email, or I have a terrible, vivid dream that relives the whole thing (like last night actually). It's the kind of trauma when, even after all this time, I just can't seem to grasp any sort of control over my emotions, my reactions, my scared heart.

I panic.

PTSD.

The term "Discovery Day" is pretty common among the women fighting on the front lines of the sexual addiction battle. The words and its effects are nothing out of the ordinary for us anymore. It's just our new reality. Hard, albeit.

But as I've been thinking about the upcoming anniversary of my first "D-Day" (February 18, 2010), I think that maybe, just maybe, I'm giving it way more control than I should. Maybe, just maybe, there's something deeper about it… something more than just heartache and trauma. Maybe, just maybe, it's not as bad as I think (or once thought) it was.

But how could this really be possible? 

How could there be any goodness from such a life changing day?

I mean, it was horrific.

Mind-blowingly, ridiculously, unimaginably sickening… that's what it was.

Where's the silver lining in that?

So I started thinking about what the word DISCOVERY actually means.

dis·cov·ery
noun \dis-ˈkə-v(ə-)rē\
: the act of finding or learning something for the first time : the act of discovering something

And then I started thinking that it's not just women like me who have discovery days. We ALL have (or will have) discovery days because life is FULL of new discoveries. Every second of every single day we discover new things: some lovely and wonderful, some beyond comprehension and totally painful.

Maybe you discover your marriage isn't what you thought it was… and maybe you discover addiction... But maybe you don't discover those types of things… maybe you discover something else… like… 

that you have cancer. 

Or that you're going blind. 

Or that your child has a disease that is incredibly difficult to manage.

Or that you lost your baby at your 20 week ultrasound.

Or that your husband lost his job and suddenly finances become a true threat and scare.

Or that your parents are getting a divorce after 30 plus years together.

Or that you'll never be able to have children that you dreamed you always would. 

Or that there is a very serious difference of faith between you and your spouse that is just surfacing.

Or that your husband, child, mom, father, sister was killed in some sort of a tragic accident. 

Or that…. or that… or that… the list goes on and on.

I hear about these very difficult discoveries all the time. I see them on the news happening to perfect strangers, I see them on my Facebook feed happening to those I love and care about, and I see them happening in my neighborhood to the people in my community. It's heart breaking and it almost throws me back to my own personal "D-Day" because I know what it's like to have life throw a big, huge, FAST curve ball that seems to screw up everything I had planned for my life.

But as I watch and read about all of this tragic stuff, and after experiencing my own, I've realized a trend. I'm sure there is a lot of gray in this thinking… it's not just black and white…it can't be…. but, the way I see it is that there are two ways we can "use" our discoveries. 

We can either 

a) let them guide us 

or 

b) we can guide them

Listen, I have been dragged along by my discovery many a times… like I was being forced to go down a trail I did not want to go. I let my discovery take over me and it (not me) determined my temporary destination many different times. I ended up places I never wanted to be, and wasn't proud of. And somehow, in the heat of it, I felt like my discovery had become me. There was no difference anymore. I was what happened to me-- what happened to me was me.

After almost 5 years, I think I'm finally seeing that I am actually in control of my destiny. I am holding the reigns to my life. Yeah, life's hard and it really does SUCK sometimes (for lack of a better term). My life is so far from what I ever thought it would be and I struggle with things on a daily basis that relate back to my discovery day. 

But no matter how I look at it, IT HAPPENED.

It's done. 

It's over.

Life changed. 

And that change came with a lot of really TOUGH stuff.

And there is nothing I can do to go back and change any of it.

So!

Instead of wasting my time stewing and thinking, "I should have done this…. I wish this instead… life is so unfair… why did this happen to me..." or whatever I think when I'm spiraling out of control…. I've decided to ask myself these questions instead:

What am I DOING with my discovery?

Where am I TAKING my discovery?

Not "What is my discovery doing to me?" 

And not "Where is my discovery going to take me?"

See the difference?

And then I need to grab the bull by the horns, look it head on, and take control of me, my life, and determine MY OUTCOME.

It's not what my discovery says anymore, it's what I say!

Because no matter what happened or happens, I can still control me and no person, no discovery, no situation can EVER take that away.

I can control what I DO with my discovery.

And you can too.

Sure, it's complex. I know.  Sure, it's crappy at times (or a lot of the time for some), I know. Sure, it's not what we ever thought our life would be, I know. 

And it's haaaaaaard!

But when I get to the top of that mountain, the one I have worked SO hard to climb… the one I had to literally prove to myself that I could, infact, summit it…. it's such a eye-opening, stunning, unexplainable view. It's more beautiful than I could have ever imagined… because it took EVERYTHING I had to get there. It nearly killed me! It took every ounce of everything I ever had, emotionally and physically, to get there. But I MADE IT.

And then, when I look out at the stunning panoramic view and see what I've survived and accomplished and how far I've come, I realize that it doesn't end there. There are more mountainous treks to climb. It's not over. Far from it. More discoveries will come (and I'll likely still be patching up old ones because they can affect you for life)… but I keep going….  and while I'm keepin' on keeping', I am making my life what I want it to be. Even amidst the hard and crappy and unexpected. 

I discover a new way to find happiness and love and purpose and meaning (whatever that means for you, individually).

And this whole thing… this whole idea… actually this whole new beautifully hard life of mine (the one I would never trade in a billion years) started with one simple thing:

A horrible, hard, PTSD-ridden, SUCKY, Discovery Day.

Something I thought was going to kill me, something I let define me at times, something I hated and hated and hated has actually turned out to be one of the very best and biggest blessings in my life. The love and compassion and hope and strength and confidence and purpose I feel now, compared to pre "D-Day", is insanely different. It's more powerful, it's stronger and it's just…. better.

What an ironic twist.

I never would have thought I could pair my Discovery Day with any good-- but when I really think about it, it has brought me so much more than I bargained for (with amazing people, the coolest and most humbling experiences, a new love full of empathy and understanding and some of the most critical life lessons). 

My discovery has been soooooo good to me… and I think it's because I have experienced both letting it control me and and learning that I can, in fact, control where I take it.  

I so much prefer the latter option :)

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