Thursday, August 20, 2015

Furthering My Personal Healing




Last night, as I was reading about this Ashley Madison thing, I felt sick for the many hearts and lives that were crumbling because of it, and I also felt this sting of adrenaline come over me. My heart raced as I pulled up the site that would be my fate: the one that would confirm which of the people I lived amongst, loved dearly, or associated with in some way were living a dual life. I wondered who could be on there? And I knew I could play detective if I really wanted to. But in just a split second, I had a new perspective. As I sat there, with the computer on my lap, the site pulled up, my fingers ready to type in the emails of people I knew, I looked at my current husband across the room, my baby rolling on the floor, my 7 year old at the table doing homework and I thought, "How is digging into the past, or trying to dig up someone else's current trial furthering me in my my personal healing?"

The answer, for me, was a whisper.

A truth.

An affirmation.

"It won't. Nothing you find here will help with your healing. At all. In fact, it will cause you to spiral back into fear, pain, panic and anger. To a place you are working SO diligently to get away from."

So while there is this incredible push of curiosity that lies before me, I, instead, will make the deliberate choice to use my time, energy and talents to further my personal healing TODAY. And although it is very tempting, Ashley Madison digging will not give me that result.

Now I'm not saying that there wasn't a time, or won't be a time in the future, that it IS relevant (because when you're concerned about your safety or the wellbeing of your family, that comes first... ALWAYS!). But as of right now, because I am not at that place in my life, I don't need the information,  nor do I need to go playing detective on every person I've ever known in my life.

Rather, I will be waiting for the women, if any, who unfortunately DO discover more from this leak and come to me for a listening ear, a place to belong, or a shoulder to cry on.

That is the best way that I can help others and continue to heal myself-- at the very same time.

Lots of love out there to everyone! This is tough, tough, devastatingly TOUGH stuff.

xoxo


5 comments:

  1. I swear you and I go through similar paths at the same time. I heard about this website too. I felt the same way you did and I also responded to my fear like you did. I have remind myself that I am not in that place anymore and don't want to get myself all stirred up. Those emotions are messy and I don't need to dump it all over myself again. Thanks for sharing your personal moments. I adore you. Love you.

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  3. Thanks for the awesome reminder to not feed the fear. xoxo

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    Replies
    1. this should be a meme, Stacia! Don't feed your fear! xoxo

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