Tuesday, September 29, 2015


I'm super excited to announce that I have been invited to be a keynote presenter at the LOVE YOU MORE SUMMIT being held in SLC Utah in Jan 2016! While registration for the event itself isn't open quite yet, to celebrate this new endeavor, there's a FREE OPEN HOUSE on October 21st in Highland, UT {details on flyer }. Sadly I will be on a plane home as it's right after Togetherness... But YOU SHOULD GO! Get your girlfriends together, enjoy a good pamper, and discover what this empowering summit is all about! 

P.S. when it's time to register for the main event (you'll be able to at the free open house and online soon!) 

use the promo code: JACY for a $25 discount off ticket pricing!

 I'll remind you as it gets closer :)

REGISTER FOR FREE EVENT HERE: http://www.loveyoumore.info/open-house/

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Rising Above: Do Something REMARKABLE!

Step 4 in Rising Above Betrayal Trauma is: 


This is BY FAR my favorite part of RISING ABOVE! This is when you take what you've learned and give it some meaning

So here's the thing, I honestly don't believe that everything happens for a reason. In fact, my skin would crawl and I loathed it when people would say that! Because, to me (the very person it happened to), what "happened" made ZERO sense! How could there possibly be a "good reason" for this? I wouldn't wish this sort of tragedy on anyone. Ever. Quite honestly, there are still things that don't make sense to me, and I know they never will. And there are still times it just flat out hurts.

So, no, it didn't happen for a reason. 

It happened.

But, now, I get the opportunity to choose "what happens next" because of "what happened". 

After my divorce was final, I was in a total stump and remember thinking,

Is this really my life? 

Waiting day after day, hour by hour for my life to change? 

Waiting so that it can begin once again? 

Waiting for the opportunity to pick up exactly where I left off, when life was good- before it was so suddenly ripped away from me- but this time with a new husband? 

One day, I was sitting in my therapist's office (Maurice Harker) and the interesting thing about that day is that I didn't want to talk addiction, infidelity, trust, triggers, etc. I wanted nothing to do with what had landed me there in the first place. I wanted something different. Something more. 

"So, what do I do now, Maurice?" I questioned.

Maurice leaned back in his chair, smiled a little smirk and said in his calm and reassuring voice,

"Do something REMARKABLE!"

"Uh… Like, what?!" I asked

"Whatever! It doesn't matter. Just make sure it's remarkable to you! Pick something you're passionate about and GO DO IT! Use your gifts! And while you're at it, pick up the book The Greatest Salesman in the World by Og Mandino."

5 years later, I can tell you that those 3 words:


were absolutely, positively inspired. Divinely gifted to me. They were the piece that I had been missing. They forever changed the course of my journey. They enriched my life in the most unbelievable of ways.

I believe these words were meant for me.

I believe they are meant for you, too.

No matter what is it, pick something that is remarkable to you and DO IT. It can be within yourself, within your home, within your community. Just pick something and GO! And when you've accomplished that, pick something else and GO!

Rinse, lather and repeat "remarkable".

I've come to know amazing women who couldn't run a mile, who are now running marathons, Ironman's and Ragnar races.

I've come to know beautiful women who have lost up to 100 lbs with the only goal being to better their health.

I've come to know compassionate women who are hosting healing retreats for women specifically in betrayal trauma.

I've come to know bold and brave women who, with help of their local government officials, are shutting down brothels in their neighborhoods and helping sex trafficked victims.

I've come to know resilient women who, along with their husbands, are publicly sharing their truths about this addiction stuff.

I've come to know powerful women who are publicly sharing their own painful truths about their own addictions.

I've come to know selfless women who are serving others in big, beautiful ways but do so totally anonymously.

I've come to know courageous women who are recovering in their marriages after deep deep betrayal.

I've come to know fearless women who are divorced, single moms, and are giving love a second chance.

I've come to know bright women who are choosing to be single because they love discovering who they are.

Do you see this? Can you feel it?

AMAZING people are doing REMARKABLE things! They are ALL AROUND US and ALL of the goodness they're creating and DOING are results of really crappy, challenging, painful, unexpected circumstances.

Isn't that WONDROUS?


Just like diamonds.

My "remarkable" has slowly evolved from blogging anonymously, to blogging publicly here on My Name is Jacy, to creating The Togetherness Project, and now to being an Arbinger Trained Life Coach. All of which has led me to the most impactful part of it all: meeting so many incredible, inspiring and beautiful people had I not known otherwise. 

My "remarkable" has also offered me a second chance and a new perspective on this whole love and life thing. I'm remarried to a wonderful man, we're doing the blended family thing, we welcomed a perfect baby boy a few months ago, and our home is full of happiness and hard and everything in the middle.

As I reexamine the last 5 plus years of my life, I never would have guessed in a million years that this is where I'd be today. No way, no how. But I am... and it's awesome. I've said it a  million times before but I'd never trade it.


Because you can.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Rising Above: Change Your Perspective

Once we regain enough stability and strength, it's time for Step 3. Before I move on, please remember there is no right time table for this shift. Don't jump the gun. Don't sweep your pain and feelings under the rug. Don't skip Step 1 or Step 2.

For me, this profound shift kind of came naturally- although I think it's important to put emphasis on kind of.  After 18 months of self-nurturing, I got to a point where I knew something more was needed to keep propelling me forward. I was oxygenating like crazy, but I still felt stagnant in a way. I was doing physical things that were helping me cope, process, and feel better, but my mind was still  trying to convince me that I was worthless, that I somehow deserved this, that I would be broken forever, that life was totally unfair, and that I would never ever be happy again.

This is when the time came that I knew I MUST change my perspectives of a few things if wanted to continue to rise above. This leads me to...

Step 3 in Rising Above Betrayal Trauma: Change Your Perspective.

There are 4 points to this step- 4 ways in which if you change your perspective, LIFE can change for the better!

#1: Change How You View Happiness, Healing, and Recovery

They are NOT destinations. 

They are JOURNEYS!

I hope that I never make it seem that I have this whole "rising above" thing figured out. I don't. Not even close. Overcoming hard things takes time. Overcoming even harder things takes even MORE time. I plan on having the task of "rising above betrayal trauma" to be a life-long gig- something I will work on day in and day out, for the rest of my life. Ugh! That seems daunting, huh? 

Remember my friend Julie (she's in the red and she wrote a piece for my blog that went viral a year later? You can read it HERE)? Well, she helped the daunting task of finding happiness seem a little bit more attainable. 

This is what she had to say,

"I've told this to my widow friends, my divorced friends, and my friends who are going through tough stuff like you. Look, your easy card is gone. It was taken out of your deck on your discovery day, just like mine was taken out of my deck when I found out my husband was killed. It's not even in the deck for play anymore and it is never coming back into your hand. Life after tragedy is HARD for EVERYONE! But it doesn't mean that you can't find happiness IN the hard! If you stop looking for life to be "easy" I promise your happiness will come that much sooner! 

Pick the HARD that will make you the HAPPIEST and give it your all!"

Isn't that amazing? It was like she hit me over the head with a 2x4 that day.

Bottom line: you won't wake up one morning forever happy, healed or recovered. Not going to happen. But you sure as heck can wake up with determination and resolve each day to find moments of happiness, ways to keep healing your heart and soul, and the steps you need to take to continue working your recovery.

#2: Change Your Perspective of Adversity

This is a powerful tool that I learned from Hyrum Smith. 

Adversity is crappy and painful! It throws a big, huge, awful, hideous wrench in life! It ruins it! Adversity (for lack of a better term) SUUUUUUCKS! But, wait!? What if adversity doesn't ruin everything? What if adversity has a positive side? What if adversity can change my life for the better?  Read this poem and see if you can feel its magic:

A diamond in the rough is a diamond, sure enough,
And before it ever sparkled it was made of diamond stuff.
But someone had to find it or it never would be found,
And someone had to grind it or it never would be ground,
But when it's found and when it's ground,
And when it's burnished bright,
That diamond is everlastingly giving off its light.

So… what's so miraculous and magical about this? Diamonds are formed in the Earth's mantle only through EXTREME HEAT AND PRESSURE! 

Well, the same is true for the human being. The most profound human beings I can think of are those who are enduring and overcoming extreme heat and pressure from unwanted adversity: unimaginable hardships, strain, sadness, difficult change, trials, illness, addictions, etc.

This is why the "My Name is" series is so well-received. Because we, as human beings, LOVE triumph. We LOVE witnessing people do the amazing and unimaginable. We LOVE watching people give their light, when it seems like the easiest choice would be to give in and let the flame die.

This is the power of changing you perspective of adversity. Because maybe, just maybe, this experience isn't just brutal heat and pressure? Maybe this awful experience is creating something even brighter within you? Something that has always been present in you, but never would have been discovered without adversity?

#3: Change the Way You Look at Your Personal Hardship

Instead of thinking,

"How this happened "TO" me…"

try thinking,

"How this happened "FOR" me…"

Write a compare and contrast list and see what you discover!

5 years ago, my "TO" me list was lengthy. My "FOR" me list had nothing on it. Zip. Nada. There was NOTHING good about what had happened. Nothing.

Fast forward to present day.  After a lot of CONSCIOUS EFFORT, work, therapy, and changing my perspective, my "TO" me list has maybe 2-3 bullets on it; there are just a few things I can't quite shift perspective of yet because it still hurts, I'm still mourning, and I still don't understand. The bullets on my "TO" me side may last my entire life and, quite honestly, I think that's okay. But what I am most surprised by and most pleased with is my "FOR" me list. It brings me to tears thinking about all I have learned… all I have become… all I hope to be because of something so so so so SO crappy and hard. This list of how it had changed me for the better would go to the moon and back and probably beyond. 

This particular shift takes time and it's okay if nothing is on your "FOR" me list right now. But the goal is to find just one thing… one simple thing… and then, in time, add another to it…. and another…. and another…. As you do this, you will be amazed as you watch your "TO" list shrink and your "FOR" list grow :)

#4: Change the Way You See Yourself

Get a clear picture in your mind of the most inspiring/strong/incredible people you can think of. These are some of mine:

Elizabeth Smart~ We all know her. We mourned her abduction, we rejoiced in her rescue. She survived the unthinkable and she is a beacon of light and hope around the world.

Helen Keller~ She's in our history books, and rightly so. She conquered life as both deaf and blind with optimism, endurance and courage.

Stephanie Nielson~ She was burned over 80% of her body in a small plane crash. She describes the emotional and physical pain of the accident and its aftermath as nothing short of horrific. She encourages people all over the globe to fight for life, no matter how hard it is!


Well I have one more person I'd like to add to this list..

My mom, "V"

Now, if my mom knew she was included among these remarkable people above, I know that she would feel improperly placed there and very inadequate. She is one of the most humble people in the world and she'd never think she is inspiring or triumphant. Never. She'd tell you she'd just a regular ol' person. Ordinary.

Here's the thing. In the late 70's and 80's, my mom carried, delivered and ultimately buried 4 babies between 21-32 weeks. My sister Janet was 4 lbs and lived almost one whole day. She died of heart complications. My brother Jared was 2 lbs and lived almost one whole week. He died because he was just too small, his little body sustain life. My mother talks, with tears in her eyes, about the moment when they placed her "sleeping" infant in her arms for the very last time. His light brown hair was parted to the left, and she couldn't help but notice how much he looked like his daddy. The other two babies were still born and never received names.

During a time in her life when all of her friends and neighbors were having children back to back, and bringing their newborns home from the hospital in joyous occasion, my mom would come home from the cemetery, after burying her babies, broken hearted, in a wheel chair and to an empty nursery. Time and time again.

So, yes, Mom… you ABSOLUTELY belong on this list!

And here's the best part…


Every single person reading this BELONGS on this list! 


Because physical and/or invisible scars make no difference in this whole "rising above" thing. Our stories might not be heard and acknowledged on a global level, we may not make history books, our scars may not be visible enough to tell our story so publicly, we may not have memorial services to grieve and remember the ones we've lost…. but pain is pain, betrayal is betrayal, and trauma is trauma.

And you know… Strength is strength. Healing is healing. Courage is courage. Fighting to overcome is FIGHTING TO OVERCOME, no matter what our hardships are!

The same strength that lies within these women listed above, and the people in your life that most inspire you, lies within YOU! It is innately present within YOU. It exudes from YOU!  We must STOP minimizing our pain, our hurts, our trials. we must STOP comparing them to others… and we must raise ourselves up to the same level as these extraordinary women and recognize our OWN strength  worth, value and resolve! Because YOU are no different than they are.

You can do hard things, just as they can. 

You ARE doing hard things, just as they are! 

You have the ability to rise above, just as they do. 

You ARE rising above, just as they are!

Don't ever forget that you are equally as EXTRAORDINARY as the people you admire most! 


My favorite quote goes something like this:

You are beautiful.  And beautiful people do NOT just happen.

This week I want you to do something for me… and it'll be hard work! But I want you consciously think about just ONE of these shifts every day this week… just one. And I want you to DISCOVER what happens inside of you as you shift your thinking. Even if it is a small spark, revel in it. Revel in your ability to CHANGE how you see happiness, how you see adversity, how you see your own trials, and how you see yourself.

So much love.


Monday, September 14, 2015

Rising Above: OXYGENATE

Okay, so we've made the conscious choice to make ourselves a priority by putting our oxygen masks on first (read STEP 1 in this series here if you missed it). 

Step 2 in Rising Above Betrayal Trauma is:


Another word for this is...


To self-nurture is not selfish, it's selfless.

Let me repeat that.

To self-nurture is NOT selfish, it's selfless.


The more we care for, cultivate, and love our own beings, the more we are able to care for, cultivate, and love other human beings.

Because we are all individual, and all of our journeys are unique, my oxygen supply will be different than yours. That's okay. The point is that you get it FLOWING.

Psychologist Christina Hibbert talks about how to grieve in a "healthy manner" after the loss of a loved one. I felt that her simple anagram of TEARS applied just as perfectly to those enduring betrayal trauma as well-- because it IS a loss (at least for me it felt that way).

  • Talking- To SAFE {safe being the key word} people who have your best interest at heart- therapist, family members, friends, 12 step members, sponsor, etc. Avoid people with unwanted advice, opinions, guilt tactic and surround yourself with people who respect you for where you are in the process, and the choices you make considering that you're doing the best you can do, in that moment, with the information you have.

  • Exercise- I am so bad at this! But did you know that exercise eases symptoms of depression and anxiety? It's true! Just 30 minutes a day can change your life. It can be yoga, walking, deep breathing exercises, elliptical, pilates, dance, etc.

  • Artistic Expression- Expressing feelings of loss and grief through creating art, dancing, making music, coloring, etc. can change your life. People ask me who I survived infidelity and they look at me puzzled when I say, "By making fabric flower headbands!" I made hundreds of them! You can read more about that HERE. You can also download Togetherness Project's free coloring book here-- because it's awesome and therapeutic! 

  • Recording Emotions/Experiences- Journal, write letters and burn then, blog, create an anonymous Instagram account, whatever you do just write. it. out. Only my very discovery day in the beginning of 2010, I created an anonymous blog and I started writing. That was a powerful way to express what I felt, especially as it allowed for connection with others. Another powerful thing to do, if you're spiritual, is to write Letters to Heaven. I have letters to God saved on my computer, written in my darkest of times, that have derogatory terms, cuss words, things I would NEVER had said to anyone, let alone Him, and a lot of anger, sadness and bitterness. I also have letters to God saved on my computer, written in my darkest of times, that are packed with humility, gratitude, love, compassion, and hope. Writing to God is amazing. I wrote a little bit about it HERE.

  • Sobbing- I still cry. After 5 years, it'll just hit and I'll weep. Let your tears cleanse your soul. Let them help heal your heart. Let them remind you of where you have been, where you are right in this moment, and where you are going. HONOR YOUR TEARS.

So these are just a few ideas of what can fill your oxygen supply. Pick and choose what will work best for your blood and your brain, add to your supply the things that will nourish you when you feel like you're about to pass out, and then DO the things that will help revitalize you.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Rising Above: Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask First!

Yesterday I had the amazing privilege to present along side some pretty incredible people at the Arizona Family Council- Building Strong Families Conference.

Typically my classes draw a smaller crowd. It's a good thing. I love it more quaint, even though I am *more* nervous with less people. Maybe it's because it's more intimate? More connection is felt? More eye contact happens throughout? They can see me up close… I can see them up close… there are moments where we really SEE each other... We feel each other's hearts, souls, sorrows, and glimmers of hope.

I, of course, was truly honored to be given the experience to share my message of healing and hope yesterday, but even more than that, I was humbled to be among the brave people there-- most especially those who attended my class. There is no other group of people I would rather be walking this journey along side. Even in its pain and hurt and HARD, I would walk it time and time again-- because it brings (and has brought) me the most beautiful experiences, with the most beautiful people.

Due to quite a few requests for access to my presentation, I thought I would share it here so those who wanted it can access it, and those who couldn't attend can utilize it if they'd like. I'm going to run this as a mini-series on my blog this week- highlighting one point per day. You can also follow along on my Instagram but they'll be shorter versions :)

I believe this stuff can help anyone, no matter where you are in the process: married and in recovery, married and recovery is stagnant, separated and in limbo, divorcing, abandoned, remarried and your new spouse has a sexual addiction, remarried and your new spouse doesn't have an addiction but trauma from your first marriage is bleeding over into your second, or if you are single. I also believe a lot this stuff can help ANYONE, no matter what your specific hardships are.

Here we go!

How I Survived and What I'm Doing Now

Before we begin, I want to paint you a picture (and this is just a small, small glimpse of an intricate masterpiece, really) of what D-Day feels like. "D-Day" or "Discovery Day" is the day you find out what's really happening. The day the bomb drops. Whether it be by confession or through evidence, this is the day you get hit by a truck. Because of my own journey in the last 5 years and the work I do with The Togetherness Project, I have met hundreds of women, all enduring betrayal trauma in some form or another. I asked some of these women to describe what their "D-Day" was like…. how they felt what they experienced. These are the first 4 of the dozens that I received:

  • I went straight numb and bounced back and forth between that and self hate for being stupid and not seeing it. I also felt unworthy of fidelity- like there must be something wrong with me that would make it impossible for anyone to be faithful to me. I couldn't stand those feelings so I'd go numb again. 
  • My body would convulse and react as if someone was literally hitting me in the stomach and I felt crazy and needy.
  • I felt the breath sucked right out of my chest and I fell to the ground and sobbed and moaned in sounds I have never heard myself make before.
  • I felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness. I felt physically ill and I couldn't eat for days. Quite honestly there were days I wanted to curl up and die. There were a few times I resorted to cutting myself to numb the indescribable pain that I felt.

I know there are women reading this right now and their heart is pounding, their chest is burning, they can feel the tears behind their eyeballs, and they're thinking "Yes, I have been there. I know what this is like." or "I am there right now."  If this is you, my guess is that you also understand the truth of this picture:

For those reading along who have not experienced betrayal trauma, it's important to note that these women, badly wounded, maybe unconscious, or even nearly dead, laying in the middle road telling everyone "I'm Fine", are just like me and they're just like you. You would NEVER guess from their cheerful Facebook feeds, or their sparkly Instagram accounts, or their family blogs full of adventure that this is what they're secretly enduring. The really tough thing about betrayal trauma is that many of us who have experienced or are experiencing it have become pretty dang good at hiding our scars. We are ashamed and embarrassed and afraid but we keep forcing ourselves to move in a world, when ours has stopped dead in its tracks. We try to continue fulfilling our roles as mothers, wives, daughters, friends, neighbors, co-workers, employees, school volunteers, etc. by saying "I'm fine" but the truth is, EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE!

This leads us to STEP 1 in Rising Above Betrayal Trauma:

Secure your OWN oxygen mask first! 

Think about every time you get on an airplane. As the flight attendant routinely goes through the emergency and safety protocol s/he says, 

“In the unlikely event that our cabin pressure should change, an oxygen mask will be released from the overhead compartment. Please place the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping small children or others who may need your assistance.” 

S/he then walks to each person traveling with a child, someone with a disability, or an elderly person and says the same thing and expects a verbal "Okay" from that person.

 What CRUCIAL life lesson does this simple safety precaution teach us?


The "unlikely event" has happened! Now is the time, no matter how scary and HARD it is, to admit and accept that EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE!

Richie Norton says,

"You gotta make it a priority to make your priorities a priority!"  

Guess what? The time has come. 


It's time to make YOURSELF a priority by making the CONSCIOUS CHOICE and effort, before it's too late!, to strap on your oxygen mask so you can get up out of the road, out of immediate danger, and begin the incredibly daunting task of healing the deep and painful wounds that you are suffering.

*STEP 2 to be posted tomorrow…*

(Please note that these suggestions are coming from my personal experiences alone. There is no one right way to heal. Each and every healing path will be different for each unique person. I credit much of who I am today from the council and mentoring of my therapist, Maurice Harker.)

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